Medical News: Researchers Discover A Heretofore Unknown Link Between Inflamed Kidney Stones & Ted Nugent
Medical research officials specializing in the causes and treatment of kidney stones were stumped when they learned of Ted Nugent’s recent medical emergency following his May 4th appearance on CBS This Morning. During that interview, Mr. Nugent somewhat inexplicably exploded into a tirade directed at CBS’s Jeff Glor (see relevant portion of transcript below).
After the outburst, Mr. Nugent’s camp reported,
“We are able to confirm that Mr. Ted Nugent was hospitalized directly following his CBS This Morning interview for treatment of a kidney stone. It had been bothering him all day, but he was unaware of the severity until he was admitted to the hospital. Mr. Nugent has fully recovered and has not missed a performance as a result.”
Dr. Lance Priebus (no relation to RNC Chairman Reince Priebus), an internist specializing in kidney stone treatment, observed,
“Of course, we’ve long understood that mood alterations progress as the size of kidney stones increases, bringing with it increased pain. The physiologic affects of Mr. Nugent’s words were likely the precipitating cause of his subsequent admission to the hospital. Certainly, we all understand that CBS interviewer Jeff Glor is a dick, a weenie, yet, for the sake of his affected kidney, Ted will in future need to guard against interviews, particularly with the likes of Mr. Glor. Hell, even I would enjoy a few minutes alone with Glor and a super-cooled proctoscope. Who among us would not? However, until Ted is kidney stone free, it’s not in his best medical interests.”
“We would advise all individuals suffering from kidney stones to avoid at all costs to career or purse sitting for interviews conducted by Jeff Glor. And Wolf Blitzer. . . . Bill O’Reilly. . . Oh, and especially, Lawrence O’Donnell. All of them utterly insufferable, all capable, within minutes, of expanding an interviewee’s vulnerable kidney stone and its pain at a pace that is awe inspiring to us in the medical research community.”
Summing up, Dr. Priebus revealed that other specialists involved in medical research will also examine “the affects of half-baked interviewers like the Glors, the Blitzers, the O’Reillys, and the O’Donnells on their victims.”
According to Dr. Beeupinyu, however, new studies of interviewer affects on vulnerable populations will be difficult to undertake.
“Such is the danger of exposure of normal individuals to these interviewers, that state of the art medical research protocols will need revising and strengthening to pass muster with organizations like NIH. We need to carefully consider the mandates of the regulations designed to protect human subjects. The ethical considerations are stunning. We must protect as well as we can all research subjects before submitting them to certain media interviewers. O’Donnell, for example, has been known to cause explosive diarrhea on camera during interviews. Blitzer routinely precipitates intractable catatonia.”
Both doctors, however, agree that despite the dangers to test subjects, new research must proceed. In fact, they and many others are calling for a moratorium on interviews conducted by Gor, Blitzer, O’Reilly and O’Donnell until research indicates which safety measures ought to be required for the protection of interviewees. Dr. Priebus indicates that
“More names being considered for the moratorium including virtually all FOX News reporters, especially Bret Baier, Chris Wallace, and Megyn Kelly.”
More as this story develops here at They Will Say ANYTHING!
Here’s the relevant portion of what occurred on CBS This Morning just prior to Nugent’s hospitalization:
CBS’s Jeff Glor: “If Mitt Romney wins, he needs at least some of the moderate vote. You are many things,”
. . . . [Ted Nugent: “but not . . . not very moderate.” [Laughs]
CBS’s Jeff Glor: “you are not moderate.”
“If you examine how I conduct myself, I don’t think a day goes by in my life for many, many years now, that we don’t do charity work for children.You know what that is? That’s extreme! I’m an extremely loving, passionate man and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I’m a damned nice guy…
I offer you this: call me when you sit down across from someone who has more families with dying little boys and girls who get a call to take them on their last fishing trip in life. Call me when you meet someone who does that more than I do! Because that’s really moderate. You know what that is? That’s extreme! I’m an extremely loving, passionate man and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I’m a damned nice guy…”
Call me when you sit down across from someone who has more families with dying little boys and girls who get a call to take them on their last fishing trip in life!” an enraged Nugent screamed. “Call me when you meet someone who does that more than I do because that’s really moderate! In fact, you know what that is? That’s extreme! I’m an extremely loving, passionate man! And people who investigate me honestly — without the baggage of political correctness — ascertain the conclusion that I’m a damn nice guy! And if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I’ll suck your fucking dick!”
Turning to Glor’s off-camera female producer, Molly Kordares:
“Or fuck you! How’s that sound?””That I may not be acceptable to some people. Put that on the air.”