“Invertebrate Zoology” Adds New Subspecies – the Republican Party

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Michael J. Matheron, January 30, 2017

Bowing to an Obama  administration edict that embargoed the scientific discovery described in this article until after Donald Trump’s inauguration, Wikipedia today added the Republican Party to its list of invertebrate subdivisions in its “Invertebrate Zoology” article. (see page view below, accessed 01-30-2017, 4:00 pm DST).

Fully sourced and documented. Wikipedia “Invertebrate Zoology,”January 30, 2017 (accessed, 5:57 pm DST)  CLICK IMAGE FOR READABLE VERSION.

Reacting to nearly panic level public concern about today’s article revealing what many have believed for years, i.e.  that Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, Paul Ryan, and the Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell lack spinal columns, the physical feature native to all  vertebrates.

An iconic New York medical journal’s top medical reporter interviewed University of Minnesota Medical School Comparative Human and Alien Forms professor, Dr. Davis Logsdon, and reported his medical and philosophical confusion:

Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both Republicans for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”

“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes McConnell and Ryan anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.” [See full article]

Warning Flags Up!

Although a spectacular biological discovery delights the research community, this one discourages – even frightens – many. Scientists, doctors, and public health experts throughout the world point to a developing field in human infectious diseases that indicates care be taken when around certain invertebrates. There are many invertebrates who are hosts for often dangerous bacterial and viral diseases that are transferable to humans. The abstract of a seminal article in the field follows:

Invertebrates as a source of emerging human pathogens
Nature Reviews Microbiology 2, 833-841 (October 2004) |
Nicholas R. Waterfield, Brendan W. Wren & Richard H. ffrench-Constant

Despite their importance, little is known about the origins of many emerging human pathogens. However, given the age and current predominance of invertebrates, it is likely that bacteria—invertebrate interactions are not only a present source of human pathogens but have also shaped their evolution. Pathogens of invertebrate and unicellular organisms represent an extensive reservoir of bacterial strains equipped with virulence factors that evolved to overcome the innate immune responses of their hosts. This reservoir might represent a source of new human pathogenic strains and might also foster the spread of novel virulence factors into existing human commensal or pathogenic bacteria. This article examines the available evidence for this concept by examining pairs of closely related bacteria, one of which is benign, but insect associated, and one of which is a human pathogen. [emphasis added] [More information here]

Precautions Suggested

Therefore, world health organizations warn against contact with Congressman Ryan and Senator McConnell until research about their level of virulence is established. They extend this warning to avoid contact with members of the entire GOP caucus in the House and Senate.

Additionally, Infectious disease authorities revealed that many members the Democratic delegation to Congress and the Senate have also displayed signs of Humanis Spinus Absensus, the official term for the pathogenic state caused by the newly discovered invertebrates. The condition also exists among some Democrats (Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is highly suspect), yet scientists have not yet added the Democratic party to the Wikipedia “Invertebrate Zoology” page, primarily to avoid widespread panic.

Nonetheless, doctors advise all human beings (indeed, all vertebrates, especially all primates) to stay outside of “spitting distance” of any federal legislator until researchers determine the transfer of the spine-decomposition effects of Humanis Spinus Absensus to non-legislators.

Testing of state legislators has begun today and we here at They Will Say ANYTHING! will keep you updated. Note, however, that since President Trump’s occupation of  the Oval Office internal memos to certain agencies forbids, among other prohibitions, some federal institutions from sharing life-saving information with the public.

World Health Organization recommendation for self-protection

Until the full range of their pathogenic effect is known, the World Health Organization advises those encountering federal, state, or local legislators to wear a bio-containment unit of the highest protective value and quality. (See at left). Presently, for example, it is well established that contact with Republican legislators has in nearly every case led to severe injuries to persons eking out a living at the bottom 30% of American society, and has nearly obliterated those in the bottom 10%. This finding reassures many who have no moral convictions, yet, the pathogens GOP congressional invertebrates carry have not been fully tested to determine whether they may evolve or reproduce efficiently enough to allow their already known poverty effects to infect those in upper income strata.

 


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About Michael Matheron

From Presidents Ronald Reagan through George W. Bush, I was a senior legislative research and policy staff of the nonpartisan Library of Congress Congressional Research Service (CRS). I'm partisan here, an "aggressive progressive." I'm a contributor to The Fold and Nation of Change. Welcome to They Will Say ANYTHING! Come back often! . . . . . Michael Matheron, contact me at mjmmoose@gmail.com