Michael J. Matheron, March 3, 2017, Reporting from the Vatican
Today, a significant number of reliable sources revealed that Democratic Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Russian President Vladimir Putin maintained a close and often intimate relationship from 2003 through 2004. Apparently spelling the end of the relationship was a disagreement about which bagel ought to be “their bagel.”
Putin’s eyes wandered, landing in short order on President George W. Bush, who had just won re-election (see pic below). As Schumer relates it, he learned about “my dumping” secondhand from a Polynesian spy working the CIA’s Russian desk in NYC who had also been abruptly dumped by Putin. Schumer, in a sadly reminiscent mood, recalled, “We used to dunk our bagels into our mutual cup of coffee. Now I’m stuck with routine duties as Senate Minority Leader.”
I wondered, “How did you recover emotionally from the break-up?”
“Well, I spent three years in virtual hiding, skipping Senate duties, bribes, elections . . . but then I put on an apron, and went to work creating a meatloaf that is now legendary, the Omnibus Loaf. It’s got every life form in it. And I’ll tell you something miraculous, I pushed all my anger and my tears into that loaf. By the way, my loaf is featured and admired in the media everywhere, except among overly picky writers. I’m addressing those complaints though with a version that contains tofu that tastes just like pork. So. I guess you’d say Vladimir Putin is in my rear-view mirror. . . Oh, one last thought, that book I mentioned, A Meatloaf in Every Oven, is available everywhere and in every language, except, of course, Russian.”
Putin’s on the move again, amorously, not militarily. Despite the strong objections of the Curia, Pope Francis I announced to a huge crowd beneath the literally iconic balcony on St. Peter’s Square, that he is now President Putin’s “escort.” He explained:
“Although unusual for a Pope, this brotherly combination is not unprecedented, nor is a prohibition found in the Papal Book of Proper Behavior. Plus, as Pope I make the rules, and the Curia can just take a bite out of that!“
President Putin quickly confirmed the Pope’s proclamation, making slightly disparaging remarks about Senator Schumer’s so-called “Omnibus Loaf” (“It takes literally a week to digest.”).
This announcement of the Putin-Francis love bundle verifies scores of media and hundreds of Vatican suspicions, which arose when Pope Francis spent seven months in the Russian president’s Black Sea dacha. This also authenticates rumors that a Pope Francis body double covered his tracks during his Russian escapades. When President Putin visits Rome via underground facilities from Moscow, they regularly sit side-by-side in the spacious papal ceremonial chair, giggling while concocting comical Papal pronouncements, like his “rule” that the sacrificial “wine” used during the Roman Catholic mass be replaced by Stolichnaya vodka rather than the thousands of years tradition of red wine. Another declares that “sheep may now become ordained priests, but women still cannot.”
Also, the couple are staunch wrestling fans, and each enjoy Cheetos, kielbasa, and beer shots while watching women’s wrestling competitions, often staged within the walls of the Vatican. However, this Pope’s no fool, and Mr. Putin’s apparent fecklessness about commitment to his partners concerns him. In response, The Pope assigned a Swiss Guard battalion that now accompanies the Russian President whenever Pope Francis’s duties force him to remain in Rome.
That’s an idea that Senator Schumer likely wishes he had considered.