President Trump’s 1st Self-Conceived, Self-Written Executive Order To Start Unusual But Odd Infrastructure Program

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Michael J. Matheron, June 26, 2017

This afternoon, President Trump proudly signed his first self-written Executive Order, his 39th overall E.O. since taking office. The program it envisages may catapult his ratings skyward, so many immediate infrastructure jobs will it create, and he explicitly calls for the employment of the work-challenged and disability-challenged persons.  Rather than present a summary and analysis, see below for the text. You’ll agree, it’s a day to celebrate!


For Immediate Release

January 24, 2017

Executive Order Expediting Removal Of Pains In The Ass
Through A High Priority Infrastructure Project


– – – – – – –


By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, I hereby direct as follows:

Today, I sign a highly significant executive order that addresses one of the top factors dividing Americans from Americans, black from white, brown from light brown, and yellow from orange. Some may argue that what I do today addresses a mere irritation that is needed for public health and safety reasons. But irritation related to public health and safety reasons gets in the way of something a newly great America wants back: complete and total freedom of choice in those matters approved by elderly white men, and everyone agrees.

I thought up and wrote this E.O. without help (although Barron corrected my spelling. Fantastic kid!) Since this is the first E.O. I wrote without help, I will read it out loud and begin the demolishment of a pain in the neck that affects each and everyone of you, even our extremely well-vetted immigrants. This is not just removing the pestilence of road bumps and road humps, my order begins my infrastructure program. This order alone will put 11 million persons and freeloaders to work in every neighborhood from east to south, from west to north. Big!

Some may call it “creative destruction” and “dangerous,” but I call it “creative good.” We have suffered from undangerous moves long enough, and last November a majority of you voted (the legal ones) to make me your President. You knew I like to roll the dice. So, here goes:

Section 1. Purpose. Every day Americans and well-vetted immigrants from other countries must deal with the anger, the hatred, and the divisiveness that so-called speed bumps and speed humps cause. Liberals define these freedom-interrupting lumps in Wikipedia and call them “traffic calming devices that use vertical deflection to slow motor vehicle traffic in order to improve safety conditions.” Traffic “calming.” Liberals!

You are suffering through the avoidance of car damage by having to slow down because bureaucrats in Washington and states and counties and cities and hollers want to end all freedom in America. No longer. One ought to have local control of your individual selves over how you drive in your neighborhood! How fast being one of them. Bump and hump insults damage cars, make you late to work every day, and cost taxpayers untold billions by transmission destroying time wasting “calming” lumps in the middle of the road.

This constant barrage on streets and highways builds up an inner fury that Americans take out on each other. Surely! We can no longer afford to ignore what divides us. Millions, if not billions, of Americans have alerted my staff to this condition of mild to moderate irritation, and I will tolerate no further mild to moderate irritation. Waiting for Congress to act or the courts is like trying to get a cab to take you to Harlem. No show! No chance!

Sec. 2. Policy. It is the policy of the executive branch to:

(a) Put an end to this b.s.;

(b) Flatten and/or remove every speed bump and speed hump in the United States;

(c) Use the materials salvaged for the construction of grain storage units and senior housing throughout the nation. The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development will supervise all projects and no-bid contracts as he sees fit;

(d) The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is ordered to pull in as many freeloaders and the handicapped people to complete the millions of projects this E.O. will entail;

(e)Watch out for the U.S. Code and any remaining federal regulations so that you don’t get delayed or otherwise f*cked up or sued in the performance of the duties required by this E.O.

(f) Although the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development shall oversee the project in all its activities, I define “oversee” as “the duty to report all activities to Mr. Jared Kushner for approval and for advice on any and all contracts, from toilet paper to bulldozers, in other words the whole magillah”;

(g) Workers may wear plastic helmets and other clothing that they will be provided through Toys-R-Us. Funds shall be moved from federal hospice programs (they’re dying, right? Am I wrong?). No harm, no foul.

(h) This project shall be named “The President Donald Trump No Hump No Bump For Americans Program.” I thought it up and I got elected, that is why.

Sec. 3. General Provisions.

(a) Everything in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect:

(i) the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency, or the head thereof; or

(ii) the functions of the Director of the Office of Management and Budget relating to budgetary, administrative, or legislative proposals.

(b) This order shall be implemented consistent with a few remaining applicable laws and subject to the draining of federal hospice program funding.

(c) This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person. [I don’t understand this and will decide if it comes up ever. PDT]


June 26, 2017

P.S. I plan to do this more often as I think things up. Perfecto!

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Michael Matheron

From Presidents Ronald Reagan through George W. Bush, I was a senior legislative research and policy staff of the nonpartisan Library of Congress Congressional Research Service (CRS). I'm partisan here, an "aggressive progressive." I'm a contributor to The Fold and Nation of Change. Welcome to They Will Say ANYTHING! Come back often! . . . . . Michael Matheron, contact me at

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