Breaking News — NBC Reveals That Donald Trump Does Not Exist, Meet Actor Who Has Portrayed Him For Decades

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Donald Trump, dance machineIn response to the growing criticism of Donald Trump for his increasingly controversial comments and tweets about President Obama and others1 he disagrees with NBC has announced that “Donald Trump” has in fact been the lead character in a long-running sitcom. NBC chief Bob Greenblatt made the astonishing revelation yesterday morning at a Television Critics Association executive session:

“Donald Trump, his real estate career, his television shows, his biography in full, has been a creation of NBC. It has been a successful series, running full-time for many decades, and we here at corporate headquarters have celebrated the continually high ratings Donald Trump has earned us. Recently, however, we have been advised by our legal and mental health staff that the actor, Harvey Schultz, who has starred as the sitcom creation ‘Donald Trump’ has suffered psychological trauma so severe that he is no longer able to continue in the role. We have urged Mr. Schultz to continue in the role, but he simply cannot do so. We reached out to the well-known actor Carrot Top to move into the role, but he would not return our calls. Therefore, without Harvey Schultz as ‘Donald Trump’ the show cannot continue.”

Donald Trump

Donald Trump, portrayed by Harvey Schultz (1946-2013)

Following Mr. Greenblatt’s announcement, Harvey Schultz, the star formerly known as Donald Trump, moved to the microphone.

“I want to thank NBC and Mr. Greenblatt for creating a show that has run for many decades. It was a very risky proposition, and originally I did not believe that such an outrageously obnoxious, conceited, reckless, and undereducated nincompoop as Donald Trump would be believed, much less embraced, by the American public.

The concept was so extravagantly ludicrous that I figured it was one season, 10 episodes, cancellation, and me back to waitering at Applebee’s. Now, so many years later, I understand that the American public – and indeed, the world public – can find space within its collective heart for an outrageously obnoxious, conceited, reckless, and undereducated nincompoop.

I thank everyone who has made this wild ride possible for me. As Mr. Trump I’ve been able to antagonize people high and low: Presidents, potentates, Popes, proctologists, and pizza delivery guys. My business dealings, so cleverly fictionalized by associate producer Steven Spielberg, have stunned financial markets and on occasion caused sever stock market meltdowns. As I say, It’s been quite a ride.

But now I must move on. During the past two years, the writers and producers of ‘Donald Trump, the Show’ have push my character to more and more farcical capers and unhinged beliefs.  For example, I was asked to embrace the so-called ‘birther’ movement, and this I did. Yet, the more I said about it, the more I inflamed already clinically insane birthers, the more I had to face that I, Harvey Schultz, had myself been born in South Africa of biracial parents of Mexican and Botswanan citizenship. And here I was portraying a Donald Trump who claimed he was born in Queens, New York City to bogus ‘parents,’ Fred and Elizabeth Trump.

And then, our writers pushed the farce ever further. During the 2012 presidential primary season I was asked to threaten that I, as Donald Trump, would consider running for the 2012 Presidency. Again, I complied, but more out of love for the show than any real commitment as an actor.

My conscience was stirring. The further I moved into this ridiculous arc in the show, the more ashamed I became. For who, I asked myself, would willingly portray a man so devoid of empathy, so empty of intelligence, so willfully selfish as a legitimate contestant for the presidency? And, worse still, it seemed that at times the fictitious Mr. Trump was actually on the verge of being taken seriously by pundits. This was too much. I could not be a party to this. It became clear that I, Harvey Schultz, might, as Donald Trump, be elected to the highest office in the land. And, to boot, I am a South African by birth, and, by the way, I’m in the United States on an expired green card.

So, today, it is with a heavy heart that I leave ‘Donald Trump, the Show’ and move on to new challenges in South Africa that hopefully do not require that I wear an orange colored clown wig that seemed at times to have a life of its own.

There are many things I will miss, however. Ni Ni Simone provided many happy hours of vicious argumentation. The Miss Universe contest was a dream, particularly my All-Dressing Room Pass. I shall sorely miss my fictional wives, so brilliantly portrayed by various members of The Rockettes, the iconic Radio City Music Hall dancing team. The loss of my sitcom children will hurt deeply. I’ve watched each grow to adulthood, from their beginnings as enslaved Disney World Park staff members released at the age of eight months only through a deal brokered by NBC’s Mr. Goldblatt. All these I shall miss, but I am happy to announce that Gary Busey will stay in my charge until further notice.

Gary Busey, toothy

Gary’s hoping for Botswana!

I thank you for any forgiveness you may provide for my leaving. I know many will miss ‘Donald Trump, the Show,” but I remind you there are other shows, other stars. For example, new to NBC, the Sheldon Adelson Variety Show, and Rick Santorum’s Boulevard of Nightmares will provide many years of delight. As for Donald, it is best we release him. In our heart of hearts we know that Donald has jumped the shark.

Mr. Greenblatt has just signaled that federal immigration officers and marshals are nearing the building, so I must quickly board an NBC jet and be whisked off to my native land, South Africa, or Botswana, or Mexico, depending upon political conditions.

Thus, at this time I’ll end this interview with a hearty ‘I’M FIRED!'”

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More on this as the story develops. Our next report will disclose what They Will Say ANYTHING! investigative reporters learned about “Mr. Trump’s” famously odd hair:

Was it real, or was it an animal subdued by Thorazine and velcroed to Mr. Shchultz’s head?

You will be amazed by what we discovered!


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Michael Matheron

From Presidents Ronald Reagan through George W. Bush, I was a senior legislative research and policy staff of the nonpartisan Library of Congress Congressional Research Service (CRS). I’m partisan here, an “aggressive progressive.” I’m a contributor to The Fold and Nation of Change. Welcome to They Will Say ANYTHING! Come back often! . . . . . Michael Matheron, contact me at mjmmoose@gmail.com

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