Michael J. Matheron, October 30, 2016
Although Illinois polls indicate Hillary Clinton will thrump Donald Trump on election day, nonetheless, in Las Vegas today, the GOP candidate unleashed a 120-mile-per-hour fastball, high and inside, directly at the sports media. Flexing his rhetorical muscles, Donald Trump stunned his rabid squatting-room-only-sized crowd with an astonishing investigative finding that the entire communications industry is embroiled in an unprecedented election rigging scheme, which he backs up with a startling array of facts.
Here’s Trump’s pitch:
“I’ve got some bad news, folks. Bad. Worse. The disgusting national sports media is lying about our World Series – our national pastime – to help Crooked Hillary steal home base, our presidential election. Under her management, the dishonest media’s World Series reporting is a huge lie. Huge. Total. Sickening. Folks, let me tell you, you only think you’re watching the World Series!
I warned about this folks. You know I was the best baseball player in New York when I had time to play. The very best. My high school – a military installation – my high school coach, he might be dead by now, probably is, but when he was alive he said ‘Trump is the best athlete I’ve ever coached.’ So I know baseball. I know football, I know every sport from wrestling to backgammon. I don’t bowl, that’s for losers, but I’d be the best if I did. You know that, don’t you. Talk to my old coach, but he might be dead.
So folks, I know this year’s World Series is bunk. Bunk. Rigged by skinny democrat geeks in an MSNBC studio controlled by Hillary Clinton’s girlfriend, the failed Rachel Maddow, and a bunch of French losers who hate Trump and spend their free time at Megyn Kelley’s love nest. Can I say that?”
An onlooker who looked exactly like me gasped loud enough that Mr. Trump reflexively wheeled on him. Out I went through a plate glass sliding door that the bodyguards must not have noticed.. As I plummeted floor-ward covered in glass shards, my abrupt landing didn’t hurt as much as I thought it might. I’m a plucky sort of journalist, so with a “Let’s Make America Great Again” attitude – de rigueur for Trump press poolers – I sneaked back in to hear more. It was worth it:
“The Hillary Clinton’s Foundation – a criminal bunch – gives these media losers mental profiles stolen from World Series viewers so they can falsify the games. Folks, these are your mental profiles! They’re stickin’ it to you. Big time. Using these underhanded headshrinker tricks each inning gets rigged to steal more votes for Crooked Hillary. Believe me, Crooked Hillary doesn’t care who wins the World Series, or how many hearts are broken in the process. She hates hearts! Everyone says it. So, sorry to say, there is no World Series in Chicago or in Cleveland. Or anywhere. Everyone’s paid off – players, managers, owners, advertisers, little leaguers, everyone. The fans just play along, mind-controlled by the most disgusting tricks, and for gift bags stuffed with stolen cash. Clintonites pay for open bar nights throughout our country, Latin America, and Japan. Everywhere they know people of all colors and creeds watch the World Series. Sick. Disgusting. Vile. Crooked Hillary!”
Trumpsters, transformed to something adjectives cannot describe, swooned and ripped off their clothes, somehow simultaneously. In the midst, a few of the less seasoned reporters carefully asked Mr. Trump just how a conspiracy so vast in its operations could have been kept secret, and why fabricating the World Series would drive voters away from Trump or toward Clinton? Seemed a tad attenuated to them. One Mother Jones stringer wondered a bit too loudly aloud, “Couldn’t Clinton money be spent more directly to compete for votes? And where is the actual proof?”
The GOP flag bearer explained, adding yet more proof to what he’d already presented:
“Why ask me? How would I know? I’m just the investigator! I warned everyone years ago about this! Ask my high school coach, dead though he almost certainly is! But you didn’t – you never – listen!
Ask Crooked Hillary, you disgusting so-called journalist snots, you’ll have to. Do your job! She’s been in the crime business since she met Catch And Release Bill. For 30 years, while I’ve dated – you disgusting people would probably say “groped – the most beautiful women having the most perfect Body Mass Indexes, the Clintons used their crooked foundation to illegally ferry hundreds of thousands Chinese into America from across our Canadian borders to vote in every Clinton election.
Through Canada! No friend of Trump. Haters of Trump. Now there’s another border to wall off. Believe me folks. Go like I have, visit Michigan’s Upper Peninsula; or the loser towns in northern Vermont; or walk around Northwest Angle in Minnesota, the whole city illegally held inside Canada itself.
Here’s another big, big problem with that border. Worse than Mexico. Try like I have just this year to build three dozen huge mountain-sized super-luxury Trump hotels in upper New York state, to provide a break from miles and miles and miles of nothing – and I mean nothing – but trees and disgusting animals all over the place. Try that! I dare you. And see who shows up for work on your hotel sites to inspect your plans; to try to make you pay for lumber that is so plentiful there that no one would miss it. What lawyers show up to crush town council creeps who demand your workers have on-site toilets. Get that! Toilets in the woods! We’re not even planning toilets in the damned hotels! What the hell are the woods for? So who shows up for those things? All Chinese. All of them! Can I say that? Chinese? And they’re all coming through Canada on the Clinton bus service. Folks, picture it, Chinese junks all over the place, rickshaws, rice, noodles, fish heads, chop sticks flying through the air at, believe me folks, very high speed. The Canucks haven’t got a clue, folks. Not a clue. I have a lot of Canadian friends.”
I’m a hardened professional journalist, not open for monkey business if you get my point, but, gosh darn it, I’ve noticed all of those things too. Not so much the Chinese but now I’m thinking I need to do some digging. (Watch this space.)
Enough is enough. The remaining Q & A focused on the Canadian border, and Chinese folks sneaking across it in Canadian garb with the Clinton Foundation in the driver’s seat of a Canadian car (are there any?). More digging on tp. (Watch this space.)
As for Mr. Trump’s disclosures about the rigged World Series, I’m going bowling with the family instead. I’m no fool.