Wisconsin Governor Walker Diagnosed With “Outsider Induced Allergy Syndrome” (OIAS).

by Michael Matheron · March 8, 2011

“I’m not going to be intimidated, particularly by people from other places.”

NYT Interview, February, 19, 2011

“. . . there’s a much smaller group of protesters—almost all
of whom are in from other states today.”
and
“The guys [protesters] we’ve got left are largely from out of state,
and I keep dismissing it in all my press conferences saying,
‘Eh, they’re mostly from out of state.’ “

Gov. Scott Walker speaking to the Buffalo Beast’s Ian Murphy
who was impersonating billionaire David Koch

(Audio and partial transcript of the Buffalo Beast prank conversation

with Gov. Scott Walker, February 22, 2011)

As more and more protesters come in from Nevada, Chicago and elsewhere,

I am not going to allow their voices to overwhelm the voices of the

millions of taxpayers from across the state who think

we’re doing the right thing. This is a decision that Wisconsin will make.

Governor Walker during his “Fireside Chat,” February 22, 2011

On a secluded Wisconsin road near the state capitol in Madison,
mounted scouts report in to senior jihadis from Pennsylvania.

During a February 23rd press conference about his chitchat with the fake David Koch, a seemingly humbler Scott Walker clarified his feelings about pro-public employee union protesters, “I appreciate the protesters from Wisconsin who are here.” Then he spoke more kindly of those people who he notmally seemed to think of as a plague of locusts: “I welcome those who’ve come from other states.” Wow! From outside agitators to welcome guests. For someone who touts the consistency of his views, that’s quite a turnaround.

Of course, this newly outsider-friendly Walker is the exception, by far. For Walker, distrust and disdain for the “outsiders” protesting alongside Wisconsin’s state employees is the norm. Moreover, his anti-outsider comments quoted above point to a general dislike for “out-of-staters” who try to influence Wisconsin politics, not just those who “invade” Wisconsin in support of government unions.

It’s hard to see it any other way. After all, Walker is consistent in applying his principles; for example, he points with pride to his record as Milwaukee’s County Executive where he reduced public employees by 20%. He’s constantly pushed an austere version of fiscal responsibility; is an unwavering anti-abortion advocate; and always gets “tough on crime.” Obviously, he doesn’t like unions very much. . . Oh, yes, and “outsiders” give him hives. Perhaps that’s a clue.

Governor Scott Walker meets
with unknown campaign
contributor on election night 2010

“I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.” James Thurber. Like those allergic to cat dander, but not to cat noses, allergies are mysterious. I’m allergic to some cats, but not others. I can spend hours petting our cat, but wind up wheezing and weeping within minutes with my friend’s. It occurred to me, perhaps Governor Walker’s apparent moral inconsistency about out-of-staters is a serious allergy, beyond his control, even with medical science backing him up. Is there an inoculation for close contact with Democrats? No, there isn’t, and I checked this with a friend who nearly got into a Wisconsin medical school, but is now a semi-retired lawyer under investigation.

Real doctor’s agree, however, one can become resistant to hives, runny noses, and teary eyes by spending more time with some of those things that make you allergic. That seems like a sure loser, I know, but I tried it. My doctor advised I spend more time with my cat. I did, and despite some early medical difficulties including bleeding from my ears and stroke, I have developed an immunity to my beloved cat’s aller-stuff.

Every time I Pass An Illinois Democrat In The Hall My Tongue Swells. Perhaps the same problem I faced with my cat is true of Governor Walker: He’s generally allergic to out-of-staters but for those he spends more time with, like out-of-state billionaires or members of Americans for Prosperity, the less allergic he is to them. After countless hours with these billionaire out-of-state allergen dispersal units, he’s free of allergic reactions. However, conversely, since he spends little time with those outsiders protesting in Madison, or with Democratic senators presently residing in Illinois, the more they continue to cause him coughing fits, hives, leeches, and carbuncles.

Arrivals From Vermont.

Illinois Is Contagious. And that, my friends, is why the Governor cannot meet with Senate Democrats outside of Wisconsin’s border. He suffers from what is called “Outsider Induced Allergy Syndrome” (OIAS). Yesterday, he demonstrated his fear of the condition, when he answered Democratic Senator Mark Miller’s request for a March 7th meeting at the Illinois-Wisconsin border with a resounding “No!” Although he didn’t fess up to this, Walker can’t get his doctors’ approval for fear of a flare up of OIASS.

And this despite the obvious: Those Democratic senators in Illinois are, after all, still Wisconsinites, and as in-staters, Walker ought to be resistant to their allergens. Medical authorities within Wisconsin, though, are unwilling to take the chance that the senators-in-absence have become contaminated by crossing the border and remaining in Illinois. Also, of equal concern, there are suspicions that Walker is generally allergic to Democrats as a group. Moreover, according to one medical researcher, quoting an intern, who remembered something a public sector nurse said, “There are indications Walker’s also hyper-allergic to the middle class.”

Money, However, Is Hypo-Allergenic! Out-of-state campaign contributors are another group of outsiders Governor Walker has been able to tolerate medically. The chart below shows these medically-tolerable out-of-staters contributed more than $615,000 to candidate Walker’s campaign. Wisconsinites, to whom Walker is immune, contributed the lion’s share, of course. And the third category, “Unknown,” are apparently ghosts, extraterrestrials, little brown bats, or very confused short tailed weasels. They contributed sparsely, and therefore do not count in this comprehensive study. The important point is, however, that Walker suffered no medical harm from outside contributors’ allergens, proving there are some contacts with out-of-staters he can survive. His OIAS has some chinks in its armor. . . where money is concerned, the Governor is immune!

Data from National Institute on Money in State Politics

Even outsider thugs were shipped in from
as far away as Minnesota!

We Cannot Sit Idly By. Given Walker’s testy attitude, we might want to idle in neutral, even when we know of his disabling medico-political condition. But, we’re talking human being here, at least arguably. O.K., it’s a rabbinic-level argument. But we simply cannot allow Governor Walker’s OIAS to go unaddressed, although medical science, as we’ve seen, has bupkus to offer.

It’s quite likely that, but for his bouts of OIAS, he wants to meet with his political opponents and carve out a compromise that keeps public employee collective bargaining rights strong. Maybe he’d be happy to back away from his draconian collective bargaining proposals, which, after all, he thought up – and he’s too embarrassed to admit it – after viewing a really squirelly Glenn Beck episode. Surely, you can see, something needs doing if anything is going to get done. Let’s save Governor Walker! Get him allergy-free and there’s a chance – I believe, a good one – that all of Wisconsin’s Governor-induced mayhem (GAM) will disappear like a badger down a rat hole (if such a thing is possible, please advise).

Here’s a first shot at it. It’s not a longterm solution, but it’ll do until a cure for Outsider-Induced Allergy Syndrome is discovered, and just think, if an allergy protected Governor Walker, employing the simple solution I feature below, then actually funds medical research, the cure for OIAS may be uncovered in Wisconsin itself! Now that’s a win-win for all.

Here’s my proposal for a temporary solution for Governor Walker’s OIAS suggested by NASA, NOAA, DOD, HHS, and ASPCA:

Demonstration of Outsider-Induced Allergy Syndrome (OIA) Communication Enhancement
Device (OIACED). Man on right enacts how Governor Walker can be both close enough to
negotiate with a Humanic Allergen Delivery Device (HADD), like the Democratic hippie from
New York, illustrated above, yet be armed well enough so that should the OIACED Allergen

Warning Default System (OIASCEDAWDS) indicate dangerous levels of outsider allergens,
Governor Walker may trap and smother the aller-assailant hippie Demorcat from New York,
or a State Senator from Wisconsin who is residing in Illinois just to be a pain in the neck.

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