The Defenestration of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Michael J. Matheron, September 24, 2017, reporting from the lawn beneath the White House family quarters balcony
This morning P. Trump extended his war on concussion-protecting head protection (sometimes called “helmets”) beyond the NFL to members of the White House staff and other Executive Branch personnel. At approximately six a,m, the P. shouted from his WH bedroom window,
“It’s time for these wimps to rely on their brain bones as their only manly protection. I never wore a helmet playing football and look, guess who’s President? Me.”
Also, on another front, about another issue, the national anthem, last Friday in Alabama P. T. gave a verbal beating to those NFLers who choose to make a withdrawal from the Bill of Rights’ First Amendment by “taking a knee” during the pre-game anthem. He included all who do so but essentially dressed down Colin Kaepernick who got the ball rolling in the anthem department in 2016. Before a preseason game, Kaepernick sat down during the national anthem. Post-game he explained,
“I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way.”
So, at last Friday’s “Lord of the Flies in Huntsville” rally, P.T. asked the “flies,”
“Wouldn’t you like to see one of these NFL owners when somebody disrespects our flag say ‘Get that sonofabitch off the field right now? Out. He’s fired. . . Fired!‘ [See him, hear him]]
Bad move. Not only did the sports world defend First Amendment rights, but, as it turned out Colin Kaepernick’s mother, Teresa Kaepernick, added quickness and muscle to the defensive line when she tweeted “Guess that makes me a proud bitch!”
The combination of issues set ablaze by P.T.’s semi-related pronouncements over the past few days leff him resorting to habit by fanning the flames into something of a conflagration. Firstly, he introduced a “helmet ban” for all male WH staff, frightening them silly,. Secondly, he introduced his new term for women “to show respect for Mrs. Kaepernick’s wishes.”
He explained it all in a roundabout way feigning consistency in a thoroughly psychotic sense:
“The proud bitches in my administration may continue to wear helmets. As many doctors tell me, proud bitches have thinner head bones. So, is it O.K. for me to make an exception? I listened to Mrs. Kaepernick. Now tell me where’s my war on proud bitches the lying press writes about? Wait ’til you hear the lying media report this. They’ll criticize me fo letting proud bitches keep their helmets, while taking away the men’s. They’ll yell about gender equality. Can you believe this stuff? Criticize my safeguarding proud bitches’ more fragile and smaller brains? Believe me folks, that’s no war on proud bitches. That’s me loving and protecting proud bitches!”
Upon learning of the helmet ban, affected male WH staffers “took a knee” in protest only to hear, “You’re fired!” from surveillance devices that we now know reside throughout the executive branch, even in bathroom stalls where many helmeted men fled.
WH staff cipher Stephen Miller and newly hired intern Sebastian Gorka personally defenestrated offending staff, who, brazenly helmeted, cascaded from the WH family quarters bay window accompanied by “ooohs and aaahs of appropriately helmeted WH proud bitches,” Gorka reported.
I spoke to an apparently unconcussed defenestratee, the now former WH Chief of Staff John Kelly who reported a Protean level of WH chaos, an environment Kelly tagged “fifth dimensional chaos, and, please, don’t ask me to explain it . . .,” as he trailed off a full three minutes imagining, I suppose, unimaginable existential categories worthy of a mentally defenestrated Wittgenstein.
Abruptly returning to the present tense Kelly revealed that only a handful of male WH staff remained: Miller, intern Gorka, and a few gardeners.
“Gorka defenesrated the entire WH kitchen crew. They’re going to have to order out for
food now. He even griped about their strudel as a final Gorkian insult. Imagine what state dinners will be like; catered by McDonald’s, I suppose. And the lawyers! And the lawyers’ lawyers! And the lawyers’ lawyers’ lawyers! Defenestrated all, the men that is, not the ‘proud bitches.’ I’m a Marine Corps lifer; I’ve rarely witnessed anything like it – helmets flying everywhere.”
The former COS summed up as he disrobed his flak jacket:
“You know, I should have listened to Putin. He called and tried to warn me off taking the COS deployment. ‘Avoid it like two-week old borscht,’ he said, ‘I like you too much, Johnny. I didn’t elect Trump to hurt people I like, especially war experienced Marine Corps Generals. . . ‘”
Another Pinteresque pause ensued that seemed, after nine minutes, to meet the profile of clinical catatonia. I reasoned Gen’l. Kelly might not emerge anytime soon, certainly not in time for this reporter to meet his New Yorker deadline. I skedaddled home, helmet-less, to my typewriter.