The Curse Of The Iowa Straw Poll – Which Hopeful Will Fall Into A Deep Corn Hole.
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| There’s still time to attend. Just (1) quickly, establish Iowa residency, and (2) go to where you see the X. For more info (Dems can attend!) |
The Iowa Straw Poll, the Ames Straw Poll, or the Iowa Caucus convenes tomorrow night at its fundraiser where befuddled and thoroughly pissed off evangelical Christians will huddle over BBQ and engage the candidates in Iowa Republican jibberjabber. “Excuse me, Senator Santorum, do you know what happens when I googles ‘Rick Santorum’?” Or, “Look Gingrich, as President, will you or will you not set up an Apocalypse Emergency Response Agency? Just ‘yes’ or ‘no’ this time. Please.” or, “Mr. Paul, What’s your position on banning nocturnal emissions?”
After stuffing corncobs into their pie holes and misinformation into their noodles, they’ll knock
off their ballots, go home, and wait for who knows how long to reconvene, hopefully 2015. (They only meet during Democratic presidencies.)
In any event, this shindig seems to have little influence on most anything presidential, and one can only be pleased by that. Since its inception in 1979, and its six meetings in all, it accurately picked the next president one time, in 1999. So it’s a fact: if the Iowa Caucus is a gateway to anything presidential, it’s a gateway to this 1999 Ames winner:
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| Where, exactly, did you suggest I put this? |
If history is a guide, although it seldom is when you need it to be so . . . Well, let’s chance it . . . If history is a guide, then who do we pull for tonight? Who do we most want to see win and be flummoxed by the Iowa Caucus curse? Well, we don’t want the winner to be any of the ravenous batsh*t crazy ones. I may be proved naive, but don’t we want to face one of the mental patients in the general election?
So with the drooling loonies eliminated, who is left? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (thinking) . . . . . . . . . . . Um . . . . . . Mitt Romney. John Huntsman. They’re the only choices available. All the others are certifiable, including Rick Perry who’s rumored to garner a bunch of write-in votes tonight.
So, which one? Hmmm. Romney’s a shifty lying heartless bastard. But batsh*t crazy? Not yet. But soon, and for the rest of his life. Huntsman? Well, he seems like a guy trying to navigate between “certifiably nuts” and “batsh*t crazy.” But he seems eminently ignorable. So that’s what we’ll do. Romney would have a chance against Obama, Huntsman, not at all. So, since we want to eliminate, via the Ames Straw Poll curse, the one who would have a chance, then it’s Romney.
Go Mitt!!!
