The Anthony Wiener Underpants Probe — Breaking News: Senatorial Underpants Pop Up In Harry Reid’s Twitter Account!
WHOOPS, There It Is! In the wake of Congressman Anthony Weiner’s Twitter woes, in the wee hours of Friday morning things got worse. Lots worse. Not for Mr. Weiner, but for the U.S. Senate. At 1:oo a.m. today (EDST) before a solemn and sleepy Washington D.C. press corps, the Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-NV), announced his Twitter account had logged 12 tweets from 12 senators. Each tweet featured “a picture of the legislator in his underpants.” For more shocking revelations, click on the nun to your right —>
Reid then promised
“to investigate quickly, before a bunch of basically inanimate senatorial reproductive organs sully the entire Senate’s moral reputation. I have already called on Minority Leader McConnell to assist me in this effort.”
At the present, however, Reid told reporters that he “firmly believes” that the dozen senators involved
“acted alone, as individuals. God help us should we discover a coordinated congressional cabal of penis poppers in the people’s house.”
|Sen. Reid released one example of the tweets he
received today from one of the 12 tweeting senators.
The graininess is severe, but one can make out the
Senate seal and the phrase “In Session 24/7”
on the waistband.
He continued, clearly embarrassed,
“I cannot understand this. The median age of the offending senators is in the mid-70s, and due to advancing age, many have not, shall we say, ‘visited’ their own reproductive organs for many years.”
U.S. Senate Psychiatrist Opines. Reid then introduced the Senate psychiatric team Director, Dr. Drew Edwards, who speculated,
“Although the team has yet to forensically examine the 12 [senators], we suspect the sudden appearance of Congressman Weiner’s difficulties pushed these senators’ innate competitiveness to levels they could not suppress.
For example, Senator Reid’s office informed us that some of these senators will run for re-election in 2012. Seeing the attention Congressman Weiner has captured, they may have considered his alleged tweet a savvy political move, and simply copied it. Since the first Congress, the two bodies have pursued a lively competition. Mr. Weiner’s leadership role in this issue area likely caused a state of deep discomfort among senators, which may have unleashed the dragons within.
In any event, the mental health team plans to move quickly. And perhaps through the agency of elderly senators’ underpants and penises we shall learn more about how to prevent the often insane behavior that has the Senate in its grip . . .”
At the phrase “the often insane behavior that has the Senate in its grip,” the Majority Leader intervened, directing Capitol Police officers to remove Dr. Edwards. Mr. Reid, however, applauded Edwards’s plans to examine the inner workings of certain senators’ heads. Addressing Dr. Edwards who was then enjoying lifesaving medical treatment by the Capitol Police, he offered
“hands-on support to the Senate Mental Health Directorate. I will bypass the rigid Senate rules implemented during the Clinton era – rules dealing directly with underpants, penises, and other suchlike sex organs and the things they do.”
As for the federal budget discussions, the debt limit battle, and the “various wars we’re in all the damned time,” Reid declared,
The official U.S. Senate seal.
“these issues will be put aside indefinitely so that the Senate may concentrate all its attention on the senators’ underpants.”
GOP Minority Leader McConnell Displays Rigidity. On the other side of the aisle, Republicans, Senate and House, were silent, although many legislators witnessed freshmen congressmen and congresswomen giggling, and consequently wetting themselves.
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Minority Leader was, however, far from silent, accusing Senator Reid and Senate Democrats of trying to “push the ball down the road on the budget and debt ceiling.” He went on,
“Senator Reid demands that I view these underpants tweeties. My duty is clear when the Majority Leader speaks. I shall view these images. I shall do so, however, without the Majority Leader or any staff present. I will examine these emails, or tweeties, or whatever they are called, very closely. Moreover, I intend to review the disgusting images again and again until my duties are exhaustively discharged.”
After pausing a few moments to rest, catch his breath, and adjust his pants, Senator McConnell went on,
“This underpants brouhaha is a false issue, badly delaying the Senate’s legislative duties. Today, however, I must peer into the private life of 12 senators, their underpants, and their clothed peni. The Founders of our great nation mentioned neither underpants nor peni in the Constitution. But the Majority Leader insists. Underpants! Underpants! Peni! Peni!
|The Minority Leader running towards
Senator Reid’s office to do his duty.