Dick Cheney Action Figure!

by Michael Matheron · January 15, 2009

Our favorite Dark Master, known in his human form as Nearly-Not-VP-Anymore Dick Cheney, has certainly been busy lately. Every time we try to get some rest he’s either amusing or nauseating us with his version of the last eight years. Today, he admitted to a few mistakes: the mistakes he’d noticed others had made, something he deplores, like partisanship.

He didn’t even mention his relatively minor faux pas of mistaking his good friend for a 22 ounce quail and nearly buckshotting his face off. But remember, his pal, on release from the hospital – his face resembling a human version of Swiss cheese – actually apologized to Cheney. I guess he felt he owed him a round of ammo and what would have been left of a quail after encountering buckshot traveling at hundreds of miles per hour.

About other issues like Iraq and deregulation and the economy and torture and Iraq and torture and the economy, he feels pretty good about himself. Certainly to the extent he thinks about it. When asked by Jim Lehrer on today’s Newshour whether 4,000+ American and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi lives were worth it, he replied – while showing off his seemingly permanent state of boredom – “I think so.” He’s not really figured that one out yet.

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Let’s try reality as a way to help him. He proposed with his neocon bubbleheads for years beforethe 9/11 to attack Iraq. Then, once over-occupying the Vice Presidency, he cooked the intel during the lead-up to the invasion, cheerleaded dishonestly every step of the way, tried to undo the lives of anyone who got in his way, lied repeatedly about WMD, and everything he was given the opportunity to lie about, and then pushed the torture buttons whenever asked . . . But today, this many years later, he hasn’t got an answer for Jim Lehrer beyond “I THINK SO“? No, I don’t think this is a reflection of his changing mind. No, he’s not starting to question himself. That’s never been his M.O. But to Jim Lehrer’s humane question whether our Iraq misadventure was worth it, our Darth Cheney says he THINKS so. What can one say about that one? I have no words. Do you?

I did come up with an idea for a new Playmobil toy set, though. It probably reflects the words I can’t find to describe his “legacy.” I can only hope we’ve not heard the last of him. No, I don’t think his proposed autobiography will be anything more than an extended tall story. My hope is that we hear from him in the witness chair, should Congress and the Obama Justice Department grow the cahones to prosecute him (among others).

For now, I’ve sent the idea below to the good folks at Playmobil Toys, but perhaps it’s just too frightening for their constituency. We’ll see.