Michel J. Matheron, April 18, 2017
Michael Garland Elliot, a 79-year old man passed away on April 6th with a smile and a contented final breath thanks in large part to the loving gesture of his former wife and lifelong friend, Teresa Elliot, who told him Donald Trump had been impeached. Perhaps this will mark a beginning to a compassionate Trump era ritual, to improve an otherwise sad occasion hospital chaplains might end the final prayers with a simple paraphrase of Ms Elliot’s final kindness. intoning “and, by the way, Donald Trump was impeached just a few minutes ago. Amen.” Early reports indicate Pope Francis has ordered a Curia commission to formalize the addition to Catholic last rites.
Behind the Scenes
A bedside nurse overheard Teresa Elliott’s final words to Mr. Elliott. Within two minutes Pr~sident Trump’s “impeachment,” she broadcast this news via the hospital loudspeaker. Cheers and overjoyed weeping caused an uproar reminiscent of roller derby or of V-E Day. (BTW, we checked, and the weeping was ‘overjoyed’). Sour notes? Totally absent among nurses and other staff as high up the hierarchy as VP for Nasty Smelling Diseases. In fact, miraculously, ICU patients recovered, some just then receiving last rites, one telling his now ebullient minister,
“Get the hell outta here. Life’s never looked so good. Gawd, I can’t wait for the Senate trial! Nurse! Get my tubes unhooked. I’m off to the nearest watering hole! With Trump in the dump, I’m gonna live forever!”
During surgery, utterly unconscious people sat bolt upright. Amazingly, feeling no pain whatever, their wounds healed. Ripping off their surgical paraphernalia,they ran to the lobby where a raucous celebration rolled on like a train at top speed. Many arrived naked. Erections were noted (but not by me!).
Astoundingly, surgeons, Trump devotees all, faced the inevitable, a Presid~ent Pence, hopeful that he would make sure they never missed a Porsche lease payment. They hadn’t been sure of Trump since the ADA repeal was gutted in the House on March 24th.
Sometimes I prefer fake news, especially this Trump impeachment fakery, though quickly deemed false, caused me to skip like a third grader through the hospital cafeteria grabbing chocolate puddings by the handful.