Breaking News: Big Bird On Ledge Atop 123 Sesame Street, Seeks Meeting With Mitt Romney
Breaking. For immediate release. Saturday, October 6, 2012, 10:30 a.m., Sesame Street, New York City, New York.
We have just learned that at sunrise this morning the beloved Sesame Street star Big Bird climbed to the top floor of 123 Sesame Street and is now standing on the thin ledge outside the Rodriguez families’ apartment threatening self destruction. The undisputed star of the hugely popular PBS series Sesame Street demands a meeting with Mitt Romney after his comments during Wednesday night’s Presidential Debate. It was then that the former Massachusetts governor threatened PBS with defunding should he be elected President this November sixth. As of 10:30 a.m., Governor Romney’s campaign has not yet responded to Big Bird’s request for a meeting.
For his nearly 44 years as lead actor on the iconic television series, Big Bird has known little else but affection, from fans and other members of the cast alike. The often irascible Oscar, known as “the Grouch,” credits his recent emergence from alcohol, drug, and pornography rehabilitation to Big Bird’s own entry into poppy seed addiction rehab in January 2009 after his descent into despair during the George W. Bush era. Bert and Ernie as well, now in their fifth year of wedded bliss, recall it was Big Bird who rushed into their little bungalow in May of 2004 to excitedly deliver the news that Massachusetts had legalized same-sex marriage. Ernie remembers fondly, “He immediately accompanied us to Boston, where he served both as best man and maid of honor. When we returned home he helped us push our two beds together. That’s the Biggie we know . . . ” Accolades like these abound.
And just moments ago, standing at street level with Ernie, there, two lofty stories above, we espied our lovable eight foot two inch yellow bird wearing a bright blue tie. As Biggie’s spokesman, Ernie explained as we gazed skyward at the familiar brownstone,
“He’ll talk to Mitt Romney only. He can’t stand Ann. Detests Paul Ryan. And he’s vowed to throttle John Sununu if he shows up in Mitt’s stead. So it’s Mitt or . . . he’s going to jump. At some point. And he’s deathly afraid of heights.”
Sympathetically, I pointed out that, as a bird, he can fly, thus a self-destructive leap off a building presents a bit of a paradox.
“No, no, not at all,” Ernie replied. “Maybe you’ve forgot
“that Big Bird can hop, and he can skip right to the Fix-It Shop, he likes to roller-skate, but, my, oh my Big Bird just can’t fly.” And even if he could fly, he’s put on a few hundred pounds over the last few years. Coming down from his poppy seed addiction caused him to pack on the calories, so his flight path would be straight down anyway. Even if he could.”
Oh yes, I did recall. I teared up as I turned to Ernie, “Yes, I do recall . . . ” Aquiver, in a soft voice I sang,
“He can waddle with the best . . . but he cannot fly.”
How ironic, I thought, Biggie’s noble and paradoxical choice to perch himself atop 123, his home away from nest, far above the street he loves so well, and unable to lift himself even a single inch skyward.
Mitt Romney, if you are reading this, stop and think. Use the empathy that you have recently discovered within. It’s your turn to fly. Yes, fly to the rescue of that bighearted bird now on his lonely perch gazing down at his threatened community.
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