Mutts Demand “A Hint Of Baked Apple”
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And for dessert, bring me a blanc mange
accompanied by a snifter of Haut Armagnac, Hors d’Age, naturellement, certes. |
Sir,
“Bone?!? You Expect Me To ‘Gnaw’ On A ‘Bone’?! I sit upright, my good man. I wear a fez. I read Proust and Pynchon and giggle at the whimsical stylings of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While you slave away for “the man” at your ludicrously meaningless donkeywork, my days pass in contemplation, yoga, bridge with the poodles down the street, and a dalliance with a ravishing little vamp of a Great Dane. Oh, and sleep in your bed, oh yes, and soundly. So, in summation, you “gnaw” on the bone, sir. It suits you. Employ those overrated opposeable thumbs.
As for my purpose in writing this day, it is once again regarding the matter of my daily meals. As you know, over this, we have long fought bitterly. As I’ve often maintained – without rancor, mind you – your choice of nutrition for me borders on barbarous. “Kibble” I shall not nibble! My entreaties for the addition of a hint of baked apple in my repast have long been unheeded, as you well know. My warning remains in place since the last time I wrote you about this issue: Unless you immediately respond with action to my reasonable nutritional ultimatum, I shall be forced, quite against my will, to bring suit against you in a court of proper jurisdiction for compensatory and punitive damages.
We may, however, settle this amicably still. Note that the fine canine nutritional company, Kibbles ‘N Bits, has this year introduced a new and exciting addition to its line of products: The Kibbles ‘n Bits Bistro Meals. These rich blends are offered in both Oven Roasted Beef Flavor and Grilled Chicken Flavor, each with a sophisticated mix of vegetables. And, for a palate as educated as my own, each blend features a hint of baked apple! My associates in the neighboring residences are quite excited and as a result I have been ignominiously “mounted” on numerous occasions as a result. No harm done. Joy is as joy does.
Your choice is clear. Endless litigation, or simple common sense. Below, I have provided a helpful videotaped discussion of the health benefits of the Bistro Meals. Note the joy on each participant’s face. Picture my own elation when you bring home my first Bistro Meal. Better this: Picture getting back your slippers, your various wallets, your “little black book,” your iPod, your iPhone, your hairpieces, and your strangely alluring blow-up girlfriend.
See. Bistro Meals. Fetch. Good boy, good boy.
With hopes for a congenial settlement of this endlessly pending matter, I remain, as always, your loving, though somewhat disgruntled, pooch,
Reginald Delano Roosevelt, DDL (Oxf.), DD (Camb.), DPhil. (Oxf.), O.B.E.
cc: Law Firm of Williams & Connoly
A.S.P.C.A.
P.E.T.A.
The Honorable Ms. “Betty” White
Attach: Video – Kibbles ‘N Bits Bistro Meals
