Mrs. Gloria Cain Announces Herman Is NO Longer In The Race For President!

The announcement is in. Herman Cain’s out. And, the biggest surprise is who made the announcement. Just a few minutes ago, Mrs. Cain took the stage at the Cain for President HQ in Atlanta, Georgia and told the large crowd assembled that Mr. Cain would be cooling his jets for the foreseeable future:

“My friends, thank you for being here today. Herman will not be able to be here today due to the simple fact that he is presently locked in the third floor bathroom of our home. Therefore, he delegated to me, his so-called wife, to speak with you today.

The man is in trouble. The man doesn’t even seem to understand how much trouble he is in. He has memory problems, as we all know. Like, he can’t remember a 13 year dalliance with a certain other woman during our married life. He can’t seem to recall that he is presently married to me, Mrs. Gloria Cain. He does not know where Libya is. Likewise, he does not appear to know where I am half the time, and I am not hiding. 

He wants you to know that he’s made some mistakes. Yes, like mistaking a bunch of other women for his wife, me. I’m standing right here in front of you good people. I ask you, do I look like any of those other women? “Mistake,” my butt! A mistake is like not knowing anything at all about Libya. A mistake is making a wrong left turn in a strange town. And I’ll tell you one thing, a mistake is cheating on me, Mrs. Gloria Cain.

So, for the very  long foreseeable future, Herman will be a stay home kind of guy. A man who brings his wife breakfast in bed. A man who sweeps the floor, mops the kitchen, and cleans the commode.

Unless he can run a presidential campaign from the third floor bathroom of our home, I’m here to tell you good people, Herman on the midnight train to nowhere. Via con Dios. Sayanora. And Adios.”

More after reporters as exactly what Mrs. Cain’s announcement means for Mr. Cain’s chances in the upcoming Iowa Caucus.

Please follow and like us: