Mitt To Skip Dick Cheney’s Romney Campaign Fundraiser, Will Send His Adopted Fourth Cousin Instead
Friday, July 13, 2012. This evening, at the eleventh hour, the Mitt Romney campaign announced that their candidate will skip tonight’s high net worth Romney fundraiser at Dick Cheney’s Wyoming home in Jackson.
Romney spokesperson Jessica Jensen-Henson explained that Romney will instead deliver the keynote address at a previously scheduled appearance before the American National Socialist Party’s annual rally. Interestingly, the party rally at the University of Wyoming in Laramie will be relatively nearby Mr. Cheney’s home. Some 200,000 American National Socialists are expected to turn out in full regalia at the university’s 30,000 seat War Memorial Stadium.
“We had to choose between two great events,” explained Jensen-Henson,
“As important as fundraisers like Mr. Cheney’s are, we cannot allow them to obscure our campaign purpose which is, of course, to reach out to all constituencies. The other day, for example, Governor Romney spoke at the NAACP convention. He seized the opportunity to speak to our African American brothers and sisters, a constituency that does not yet approve of all of our policies. Yet, the
Governor reached out. We feel the same about speaking to the members of the American National Socialist Party.”
An MSNBC reporter interjected,
“But surely you realize that they’re Nazis. Hitler-style Nazis. Third Reich. Goose step. Gestapo. Clinically insane psychopaths.”
An unruffled Jensen-Hanson replied,
“Yes, we know that. America has many different interest groups, many groups comprised of the clinically insane. That’s what makes us free. And yes, we know that some of the American National Socialists’ policies neither agree with our own nor with the views of a majority of Americans. So, on some levels we agree with your concerns. Mass exterminations, for example, can be overdone, taken, in a sense, too far. Our own Romney campaign medical staff tells us that goose stepping, when done for more than three years, adversely affects the hip joints, especially in young children.
However, Governor Romney believes that he can reach an accommodation with these energetic National Socialists. We share much common ground, particularly on matters like the protection and enlargement of our borders, musical great Richard Wagner, and carpet bombing. So, for example, it is a goal to get them more actively engaged in our campaign. We’d certainly like to employ them on the ground in swing states. Iowa is especially interested and has poor border defenses.”
“Yet, despite these laudable goals,” one journalist asked, “by skipping Mr. Cheney’s fundraiser aren’t you concerned that you will offend those elements of your base who hold him in high regard, particularly for his role as Vice President under President Bush?”
Ms. Jensen-Hanson attempted to smooth those troubled waters:
“Of course we view Mr. Cheney as an important member of the Republican party, certainly. Yes, we revere his congressional career and his service some two decades ago as Secretary of Defense during the Persian Gulf conflict. We do not, however, believe that he served as a former Vice President. We see no evidence of that.”
At this, a few reporters appeared surprised. MSNBC’s representative openly disagreed: “Ms. Jensen-Henson, I have here a copy of the 2012 World Almanac, and in its list of former Vice 
Presidents, Mr. Cheney is listed as having served from 2001 through 2007.”
Undeterred, Jensen-Henson pressed on:
“Yes, I’ve seen that contention as well. We do not regard it as factual.
In any event, Governor Romney will be well represented at the former Defense Secretary’s gala by a member of the Romney family, Mr. Miguel Santaria Solomon Schecter Goldbaum, a cousin related to one of Governor Romney’s paternal great aunt’s cousin’s through adoption. Solly, as he prefers to be called, will be accompanied by Mitch Gelbart, who as Assistant to the Director for the Acquisition of Unpaid Campaign Interns is a ranking Romney campaign team member.”
One final question emerged from a dazed CNN reporter, “What will Governor Romney speak about at the American National Socialist Party event?”
Our now somewhat fatigued Romney spokeswoman revealed:
“Governor Romney will address foreign policy questions once again, particularly security issues regarding our borders with Mexico, and, of course, with Poland, particularly the Danzig corridor.
In closing, let me send along Governor Romney’s best wishes to former George H.W. Bush Secretary of Defense, and his fond appreciation of his efforts on behalf of the Romney campaign.”
This reporter wonders, however, whether the rather austere American National Socialist Party rally will be able to match former Secretary of Defense Cheney’s planned program of events or serve up as magnificent a repast. (See the Cheney event schedule and menu below.)
