Meet The Newer & Kinder John Sununu! Mitt’s Empathy Instructor Embraces Evangelical Buddhism

So began my exclusive interview this morning with Mitt Romney’s new empathy adviser, John Sununu, former New Hampshire Governor and President H.W. Bush’s Chief of Staff. He also serves as a Romney/Ryan campaign co-director, and is often described as one of the worst candidate spokespersons in American history. A bombastic, mendacious, arrogant man he often produces evening news sound bites. So disliked is he that a top selling Sununu button features these words below his picture: 

Your reporter, however, encountered a quite different John Sununu, a man attired not in a business suit, but in a saffron robe, wearing prayer beads around his neck. Surprised? So was your reporter, but did you know Mr. Sununu now embraces a religious philosophy he created within the past week? Its called Republican Evangelical Laissez Faire Buddhism. Read on.

Buddhism, as most of us know, has a long record of gentleness. Mr. Sununu does not. Yet, when Governor Romney’s decline in the polls accelerated, early last week, Sununu had a religious awakening while enjoying a day of horseback riding with Mitt and Ann Romney. A sudden thunderstorm struck, and a lightning bolt hit nearby. His frightened horse reared and Sununu hit the ground, hard.

“Laying there I instantly pondered ‘Who can I sue should I live through this storm? Mitt? Ann? Both? The horse, the trainer? Weather Channel?'”

However, a mere moment after what your reporter considers sensible questions, his horse, terrified by the storm, bucked and accidentally kicked him square between the eyes.

In that split second as he hovered near unconsciousness Sununu recalls experiencing a vision, a vision that he now says,

“taught me how to harness and manipulate the values of Gautama Buddha in my effort to force the American public to love Mitt Romney. That moment saw the birth of Republican Evangelical Laissez Faire Buddhism. Since then, I’ve never looked back.”

During the past week, while convalescing from his head injury,` former Governor Sununu worked overtime from his sanitarium bed to develop a complete and consistent theology.

“It was simple. I’m a M.I.T. trained mechanical engineer, for God’s sake! I just wrote down the first things I thought of, bought some parchment, hired a calligrapher, and ‘Bob’s yer uncle!’ I was done. It was not rocket science.”

As a result of his full week of immersion recording his various visions (they have continued uninterrupted since his injury) Mr. Sununu, who now prefers to be called “Loud Master,” feels he is quite well prepared to teach Mr. Romney the essential techniques of empathy, if not the actual practice. Sununu explains the subtle difference:

“Clearly, I could not accept an outdated version of Buddhism. It needed updating to reflect our times, an era of what I call ‘seemingness.’ What’s now of primary import to the public is what seems to be. Thus I founded a more realistic Buddhist school of thought for Republican Evangelical Laissez Faire Buddhism.”

This was way above your reporter’s pay grade, but as I understand it the Loud Master believes our world, through the rapid growth of iPads and other devices, has been transformed or transmogrified into a world where ideas and opinions and, in the end, reality itself has, in an actual physical sense, been made more fleeting and “videomatic,” as he says. 

“Videomatic means that reality and the old reality-based world is now viewed by humans through the secondary sources of a camera lens alone. This, so to speak, has become their eyes and their brains. As in a movie or television show all life is now screenplay, with fantasy the preferred genre. Humans no longer care, or even recognize, what used to be called ‘truth,’ ‘honesty,’ or ‘fact.’ It’s all up for grabs. They’ll believe anything if they but see it. So, for me and the Romney campaign, it’s all about pushing hard, in an evangelical way, the central Buddhist idea that I’ve retained in my version, and that is ‘illusion.’ To sum up, the aura of truth is the sound of one hand clapping in an empty room.”

One hand, I thought, cannot clap, at least in the traditional way. ANd why clap if one is in an empty room? My Loud Master did not linger to correct himself, and I dared not.

He was now speaking of truth:

“. . . and best of all, unlike some earlier eras, people today seem little interested in ferreting out the truth. That’s when you know that truth is indeed dead. Untruth – if it is entertaining or bombastic – is sublime enough now. The public thinks, ‘Why spoil things?’  So even you can see this disinterest in truth is a wonderfully rich environment for the Republican party!” [ed. note, “even you can see”???]

 I nodded, with a measure of reverence, thinking “this would make a great movie script!” I asked, “Loud Master, how will you employ this new philosophy to assist Mr. Romney in closing the empathy gap? Can you teach actual empathy, compassion . . .?”

He smiled and giggled a high pitched giggle, then asked,

“Were you listening, young man? [ed. note, Young? I’m 62, he’s 72.] Do you recall my teaching of just moments ago regarding videomatics. Can you remember what I said about the permanent loss of what was once called truth, and of the human interest in seeking it at all?” [ed. note, Disclosure: I did not, in fact, recall those teachings.]

Some interview, I thought. Going downhill fast.

He promised me one of these this Christmas.

“Well, my son, [ed. note, We are not related.] Governor Romney, as we all understand, cannot be taught the practice of empathy. Compassion for the so-called middle class or poor is beyond him. Consultants we called in from divinity schools tried, but he simply laughed at their examples of the plight of the poor and suggested that they find a way to enrich themselves at each others expense. That seemed sensible to me, but the empathy experts did not. Yet, out of the blue, Republican Evangelical Laissez Faire Buddhism provides the answer. Surely you can see that . . .”

I did not. Sensing that, my Loud Master pounced:

“Listen. The solution is clear. Use videomatics. Play with the Buddhist concept that all so-called “reality” is transitory. “Truth” is irrelevant. . . I am teaching Governor Romney practical methods of empathic aura. Videomatics: looking compassionate on the campaign trail, and on the YouTube is far more important than the practice of compassion. We’re using this principle elsewhere in the campaign, in fact, we’ve made creating an aura of truth central to the campaign. We can do the same for empathy.”

I agreed. “I did notice, sir, that Mr. Romney’s new ad seems softer. He smiles a bit, and says, ‘We shouldn’t measure compassion by how many people are on welfare.’  That was nice. I felt all happy inside after that ad.”

He nodded.

“You see? We succeeded! The fact or ‘truth’ is that no one ever measured compassion by ‘how many people are on welfare.’ That’d be ludicrous! Even we know that. By far the majority of welfare policies are designed to help people find jobs. That’s not compassionate, really, it’s utilitarian, pragmatic. There’s a work requirement, for heaven’s sake, and job counseling too, career fairs, all that stuff. What we did with the Romney ad was all videomatics. Despite his record of unconcern, people bought into the new compassionate Romney, millions of far more intelligent viewers than you. [ed. note, Silently, I took umbrage. “Millions”?] 

He went on:

But see! I taught the Governor how to smile when discussing welfare recipients, and to soften his voice to project sincerity. Even you noted his subtle smile. All of these are textbook performance skills. We saved a lot of time since Governor Romney already knew how to lie, it’s a reflex with him. Never seen anything like it orher than Gingrich.” [ed. note: Again, the “even you”!]

I could not agree more, and to prove his principle of the transitory, I had already forgot the political point of the Romney advertisement. But I still felt all warm and fuzzy about Mr. Romney. Oh, my Loud Master, he knows how to make dissembling sort of homey and acceptable.  I’d been searching for a religion that didn’t require (or even encourage) churchgoing, and wondered aloud,  

“How does one become a Republican Evangelical Laissez Faire Buddhist?”

My Loud Master overheard, and replied,

“Membership’s simple, if you are truly called to us. One: Are you a registered Republican, a bank or brokerage partner or executive above the vice president level? Two: Have you unfairly served prison time for lying to any Democrat congressman, either in person or in committee? Three: How many assault rifles do you own? Four: Do you have any well formed and deeply held ethical or moral positions that include concepts like ‘the common good,’ ‘the general welfare,’ ‘compassion,’ or ‘tolerance’?”

I’d have to get back to him on some of that. “Can I have an application?”

He seemed sad. “Sorry, son. Perhaps there’s a Democrat party sect you could join . . .?” [ed. note, “Democrat” party?!]

“Well there is the progressive wing . . .” I said.

As befit my Loud Master, he smiled in a slightly sinister but nonetheless beatific way, “Good. Now run along. I see that my next visitation is here.”

I bid adieu to my Loud Master, and headed toward the door. Suddenly, on my way out, I realized that it was my office in my headquarters building from which I had just been summarily dismissed. I brushed past Paul Ryan as he walked into my office towards the Loud Master. I thought, “that Sununu, that guru, that Loud Master, he’s good, he’s really really good.”