McCain’s New Campaign Tactic Shoots for the Stars!

As the campaign moves toward its two minute warning, McCain/Palin polls show an emerging pattern: nearly every demographic is moving to Obama, including the coveted independent voters. The campaign has tried to energize the GOP base, the social conservatives, the anti-social conservatives, the youth vote, the elderly vote, the menopause vote, the mouth breathers, the right wing Democrats, the wingnuts, the Reagan Republicans, the farmers, the Hispanic vote, the anti-Hispanic vote, the NASCAR vote, the lunatic fringe, the disaffected lunatic fringe, and just plain lunatics. They’ve tried calling Obama inexperienced, a terrorist sympathizer, a Democrat, a Harvard man, a community organizer, a terrorist, a leftie, a liberal, a Muslim, a tall guy, a socialist, a communist, an anti-American, a smart guy, a smoker, an anti-smoker, a basketball player, an elitist, an anti-American, an orator, a bloviator, a flip flopper, a dreamer, a nightmare, and an Arab man from Hawaii who has fathered two black children. None of these seem to be gaining any traction with the voters.

Moreover, the troubled McCain camp now sees that the public has moved from simply disagreeing with Mr. McCain’s policies to visceral fear of his voice and visage. “Candidly, we’re in serious trouble when our own party leaders run screaming from his rallies ,” says a discouraged McCain campaign worker. So, as the clock ticks inexorably toward November 4, McCain campaign strategists have recently market tested a new concept: Barack Obama, illegal alien from outer space.

Focus groups report the campaign’s presentations are reminiscent of the movie Alien, but “on steroids.” Many market testers noted with displeasure the eerie similarity between the name of the alien, Klaatu, in the 1951 outer space film classic The Day the Earth Stood Still, and the first name of the Democratic party challenger, Barack. “That’s gotta scare any thinking man,” said focus group member Bobby “Bib” Hollister from the battleground state of North Carolina. A manic McCain tactician reports, “The idea seems to be testing well,” and adds happily, “People in our test groups are actually wetting themselves, and much more so than after actual McCain or Palin rallies.”

So, within the next few days, or by the next full moon, the campaign will unveil their new approach linking Obama with the planet EX-Tar 4Z in the Andromeda M1 galaxy. “Of course, we’re hoping that our efforts will peak on Halloween,” explains a McCain staffer, “Look for our O-BOO-ma ads in all media. I think you’ll start to notice the elongated ears on the man, and you’re going to start to wonder.” Also in the works, and aimed at influencing the anti-immigration voter, is a one-hour television special, “Obama, the Ultimate Illegal ALIEN . . .”

It makes sense, say political strategists of all stripes. After all, GOP plans to attack Democratic voter registration in the courts is falling flat, and their newest policy arguments have caused riotous uncontrollable laughter in focus groups, so what is left other than to literally scare the public into staying home on November 4rd?

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