Marco Rubio’s “TelePrompTer Moment”

Republicans do not like TelePrompTers (hereinafter, teleprompter, for Heaven’s sake!). Yesterday, teleprompter-less, Florida’s U.S. Senator Marco Rubio had to take a break from his foreign policy speech to find its final page. Today, he probably wishes he’d had a teleprompter then.

The GOP has actually made teleprompters a campaign issue. I’ve never been able to figure out why. They didn’t object very much, if at all, when other presidents used the device. In fact, George W. Bush needed not only a teleprompter, but phonetic spellings for admittedly difficult words, like “Sarkozy” (sar-KO-zee).

This afternoon, I asked one of my colleagues whose ideas I admire about his opinion of all this teleprompter business. He suggested that perhaps the teleprompter had become verboten to Republicans simply and exclusively because it was Obama who was using the device. Brilliant! Nonetheless, after a moment of deep thought, I saw a problem. I pounced: “Yet, the President uses silverware when he eats meals. Why don’t they attack that?”

My pal, whose ideas and opinions I admire, said not a word. Regardless, in a collegial way, I pressed him,

“Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I believe he also wears underwear, sits on a couch occasionally, rides elevators, and throws out the first pitch on opening day. Why doesn’t the GOP go after him about those activities? It’s illogical for them not to. Don’t you agree?”

Again, silence. I noted rapid blinking. I’d struck a nerve. So much so that he brushed past me through his door, off to a “snipe hunt,” without explaining whatever that was.

Upon his leaving I phoned a Republican National Committee senior staffer I know quite well, mostly from his libel suit against me (still in play, but I’m confident). I queried him, concluding with,

“Will you continue to allow these logically disharmonious chords to dog your party throughout this election season? For me, yours is the party I turn to for consistency about things I violently disagree with. This failure to expand your teleprompter advantage seems, to me, both irrational and inconsistent.”

All I heard on my end of the iPhone was “Hmmmmmmmmmm.” I got impatient. “Dammit man! Surely, you must object when Obama uses a teleprompter at the same time that he wears underpants, shoes, and a bare head! Can we at least agree on that?”

More “Hmmmmmming.” Then: “Yes, yes. . . I see. . . You make sense. Our Kenyan president also uses a telephone and, rumors persist, he can operate a microwave oven. You’re right! There’s plenty of fertile ground for us to plant seeds of suspicion.”

I then recall hearing myself say, excitedly, “Now you’re catching on. Here’s an idea. Do a TV ad showing the President using the telephone while he operates a microwave oven while he gives a speech using – what else? – a teleprompter! What’s wrong with today?” He replied, “No. Not today. This stuff is too good to use in the primary season. This will be a game changer. No, not today. We’ll wait until late October and then, near election day, we’ll throw it smack in the face of re-elect Obama. They’ll be dumbstruck! Chris Matthews will switch sides. So will millions of voters. Game. Set. Match!”

I shouted out a giggle! My RNC pal went on, “Thanks for the heads up, my friend . . . Oh, by the way, we’ve got another deposition tomorrow. See you there!” Click. Dial tone. Cut loose.

I felt energized, went out for a walk, seated myself in a Starbucks, and felt the heat of my beaming. Positively beaming. I’d contributed! Contentedly, I settled down with a bottle of ethical water and planned my deposition strategy.

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