Haughty British Royal Baby Born, Quarrels With Parents, Refuses To Acknowledge Well-Wishers
Michael Matthew Bloomer, July 23, 2013
Yesterday, a royal baby who one day may rule the British Commonwealth was born to Kate Middleton and Prince William, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Today, his parents wrapped the reclusive newborn in what resembled a well-worn white hospital towel and, apparently against his will, introduced him to his countrymen and countrywomen. Angrily fussing and kicking throughout his brief time outside St. Mary’s hospital, all sensed his haughtiness for the commoners who had hoped for a more kindly greeting.
The youthful prince not only had refused for more than a day to get out of bed, insiders report he fought like a wildcat against his parents’, at times, it appeared, he clenched his diminutive fists. When, nearing exhaustion, the Duchess of Cambridge could no longer control the child, in near panic she gestured to Prince William for assistance. He obliged, nevertheless, as fit and trim as he is, he too struggled, and thrice upbraided his irascible son, third in line of succession. Lip readers who specialize in royal lips reported Prince William oft-repeated “Be British!” to no avail. The hot-headed behavior of the petit prince reminded many longtime palace workers of another royal baby, Henry VIII. “And that,” one sexcentenarian palace gardener confided, “is either very very good, or very very bad. And by very very bad, I mean quite quite unfortunate, Milord.”
Concentrating on hs own hands throughout his appearance, the future monarch quickly retreated to his hospital lodgings without so much as revealing his name, thereby callously leaving bookmaking multitudes in nervous agitation, as was the large crowd of admirers, disappointed, mumbling to themselves, mouths agape, drooling with sorrow, walking stiff-legged away from the hospital, bumping into walls and parked cars. Never has England known such a self-concerned future monarch.
The new Prince of Cambridge has met the world, and if his demeanor today signaled true, he does not like it. Join me in prayer for England.
“Get thee hence with a cigar. A Cuban.”
