41% Of Iowa Caucusers Still Undecided. Here’s Six MORE Things They’re Undecided About.

by Michael Matheron · January 3, 2012

It’s the night before the Iowa Caucus and a large number of Iowa’s GOP caucusites are undecided about which loopy candidate to stand up for; according to today’s polls, 41% of likely caucusers are still scratching their heads. So, after more than a year of examining the candidates stem to stern, after last August’s Ames Straw Poll wherein they chose Michele Bachmann, after the recent high octane statewide tour of each of the contestants (minus Jon Huntsman), these folks still wonder. We wonder. What questions plague them? Do they wonder “Is Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrich deranged enough to run the country?” “Does God favor Rick Santorum, despite his Google problem?” “Where’s Herman Cain go?”

Well, being a blog that practices empirical analysis of seemingly unresolvable questions, we here at They Will Say ANYTHING! wondered what’s wrong with Iowa? How can so many people still be undecided about one of the more important political decisions they will make in 2012? We leaped in and
decided to investigate this mystery with polling techniques of the highest caliber.

We set out to discover what other issues likely attendees at tomorrow evening’s Iowa Caucus are undecided about, particularly at the 41% level. Below, are the results of today’s afternoon survey, including the questions devised by a panel of distinguished political scientists and quantitative analysts. We believe the data provides a valuable tool that will assist campaign advisers in adjusting their tactics in the final 12 hours before caucusing begins.

The Clinically Undecided Iowa Republican Survey,

January 02, 2012

The following results represent responses at the 41% level of undecidedness. Higher undecided levels were experienced, for example, 63% were undecided whether the Statue of Liberty was an alien spaceship or a Defense Department laser station. 78% could not decide whether President Obama attended college or flunked out of college.

These results provide a look at other issues that 41% are uncertain of.

1. Is the present President of the United States (A) an Nazi-American citizen, or (B) a Kenyan Islamic socialistic warlord?

□ A 06%

□ B 53%

□ Undecided 41%

2. Which of the following two GOP candidates is clinically insane: 1. Michele Bachmann, or      2. Michele Bachmann?

     □ 1. Michele Bachmann               26%
     □ 2. Michele Bachmann               33%
     □ 3. [Write ins] “undecided”      41%

3. Does the sun revolve around the earth (A) once per year, or (B) every 24 hours?

      □ A                                             36%
      □ B                                             23%
      □ [Write ins] “undecided”    41%

4.   A computer works because of (A) Demonic forces, or (B) Demonic cassette tapes?

      □  A                                           35%
      □ B                                           24%
      □ [Write ins] “undecided”    41%

5. Mitt Romney is (A) a woman named Mitzi, or (B) a transvestite named Mitzi?

      □ A                                            34%
      □ B                                           25%
      □ [Write ins] “undecided”   41%

6. Jon Huntsman is (A) dating Mitzi Romney, or (B) secretly married to Mitzi Romney?

       □ A                                           36%
       □ B                                            23%
       □ [Write ins] “undecided”   41%