The Anthony Weiner Underpants Probe, UPDATE #3, Weiner’s Genitalia File For Separation. Divorce “On The Table,” Say Genitals.

Michael Matthew Bloomer, June 9, 2011

Wait just a doggone minute!

A Tweet Too far.  Has he suffered enough?  Apparently not.  In the wake of Congressman Anthony Weiner’s public confession that he did indeed send that tawdry tweet – and many more – the axe is about to fall on a portion of his private life obviously dear to him.  Today, in a New York City County Clerk’s office, Mr. Weiner’s genitals quietly filed for an expeditious separation agreement.  The lawyer representing Mr. Weiner’s genitalia, Edward Merriweather-Post, the bespectacled 73-year-old founder of the eponymous law firm, Merriweather-Post & Merriweather-Post, had a lot to say to reporters and unemployed attorneys outside the county clerk’s office. With Weiner’s genitalia slumping mournfully at his side, Mr. Merriweather-Post addressed the press:

Mr. Merriwether-Post, legendary among genitalia, has represented numerous genitals of all stripes.  He also represents John Edwards’  genitals  in their dissolution action.

“Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon. Today I announce that these genitalia here at my side, Mr. Weiner’s genitals, will pursue a legal separation agreement. This is due to a number of serious matters relating to the congressman’s consistent abuse of them during the entire period of their relationship. Thus, we have formally submitted to the county clerk all appropriate papers and exhibits required under New York domestic relations law for a separation agreement.

We itemized many instances of abuse. Firstly, there is the matter of physical and mental exhaustion. Physically, we have discovered severe chafing, as well as eruptions of blisters and nodules, and scrotal balding. The emotional damage done to the plaintiff genitalia is noteworthy.  Psychologist’s have diagnosed depression, anxiety, and a psychosomatic inability to hold urine for more than a few minutes at a time. These genitalia here today now struggle to get up in the morning, so depressed and deflated are they.

Moreover, under the New York Constitution, the publication of the plaintiff’s images on the internet and on twitter -without their permission, mind you – invaded their constitutional right to privacy.  No genitals ought to suffer this sort of indignity absent explicit written permission attested to by a licensed notary public. This is a matter of law under a number of New York cases, for example, Spitzer’s Genitalia vs. Spitzer. 

Embattled Congressman “Tony” Weiner prepares to file a defense to today’s separation filing. He hopes to reconcile with his genitalia, saying, “I’ve grown a lot in the past week.”

Finally – for now – upon examination by competent urologists and through radiological studies, plaintiff genitalia show signs of what only can be termed “rope burn” due to long exposure to the unhealthy rays that emanated from defendant Weiner’s computer screen.

In closing, one’s genitals ought not be relegated to an unappreciated “tool” for use as one likes, willy nilly, helter skelter, without regard for their physical and mental health. Recall that genitalia live most of their lives in a hot, dank prison of wool, cotton, and artificial unnatural fibers. With great pain and consummate embarrassment, they shrink when exposed to cool water. They are exceptionally sensitive to even a light touch. All their lives, genitalia reside literally next door to a vile neighborhood none of us would dare enter. Well, most of us. In any event, genitals are shaken; rubbed; scratched; pulled like the dickens; covered with offensive gels; kept up long after a reasonable bedtime; caught in the razor sharp claws of zippers; and relentlessly measured; sometimes bitten, no matter how accidentally, and then enclosed in a tightly fitting raincoat and quickly forced into a  wet and dark cave for periods varying from four seconds to four hours, and more. And now this, the plaintiffs ensnared in a political drama not of their making.

Mark my words, we do not take this matter lightly. We intend to pursue the genitalia’s interests with all hands on deck and ready for vigorous activity.

Thank you. The congressman’s genitals will have no comments. Please contact my office alone for inquiries.”

Stay tuned here for more reporting on this remarkable development.

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