Revealed! Secret Senate GOP Fiscal Stimulus Debate Practice Video

Michael Matthew Bloomer, February 13, 2009

Special Report, February 13, 2009. Today, mid-morning, at the charmingly inexpensive but very suave Capitol Rotunda restaurant, the Disgruntled Toad, this reporter met with another annoyingly disgruntled Senate-Aid-In-Waiting and was shocked by what he heard and saw. The Aid-In-Waiting is literally awaiting the outcome of the Minnesota Senate election contest between Democrat Al Franken and incumbent Republican Senator whose name your reporter will hopefully remember before filing this story. In any event, your correspondent got collared by Mr. J*ck Willi*ms (who, fearing deadly retribution, asked that his name be withheld) at the daily Disgruntled Toad cocktail hour which, by the way, is accompanied by low-priced breakfast fare for early risers like your journalist. If you are ever in the area for a secret meeting and seek out a hearty plate of ham and eggs and all the beer you can drink for the Happy Hour price of $4.95 per pitcher, the “Toad” is the place.

Mr. WIlli*m’s, an imposingly bald person of approximately six and a half feet tall with the girth of an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile (see his disguised picture accompanying this article), explained his reluctance to go public, but also pointed out was weary of waiting for the Minnesota Senate race to be decided. “I need to know at some point which guy I’ll be working for so I can learn the appropriate talking points.” He explained that one day he’d have to learn GOP lingo, and then the very next day, if Franken seemed to pull ahead, he’d have to learn the Dems’ secret handshakes, rituals, and reluctance to admit they are in the majority.

“I’ve had it,” he said, and between bites of a marvelously prepared “Senate Oinker Combo” ($9.95 during breakfast Happy Hour), your writer heard more and more of his background and his situation, but failed to copy much of it down. As I recall it, Mr. Willi*ms had somehow come into possession of a secret GOP Central Party Authority video that recorded one of their practice sessions for the upcoming debate on the fiscal stimulus bill compromise reached party leaders on Wednesday. Willi*ms went on to the usual crabby complaints about his treatment, etc., the some more about his dissatisfaction with his parents “jib,” and finally something about the rather demented things that actually go on in closed-door caucus meetings. Frankly, I had stopped listening and was by now engaged in lively repartee with the always accommodating owner of the fabulous “Disgruntled Toad” restaurant. “Restaurant,” Hah! That would be like calling the Taj Mahal a nifty little fixer upper. The “Toad” is a gem, and so reasonably priced, as I may have mentioned.

To summarize. Mr. WIlli*ams talked and talked. I finally had enough beers to – sweet redemption! – fall face forward onto the table, sound asleep until awakened by the always attentive “Toad” staff for lunch. In my lap I found the video tape I have provided for you below. It reveals one of the late night GOP Debate Practice sessions, and discloses much of their, now, not-so-secret strategy. This scribe sometimes believes that the ghost of Edward Murrow lurks nearby when revealing these secretive Congressional doings, and perhaps he might be shaking his head ruefully at my arrogance, but then I think, “Mr. Murrow, you would have enjoyed the luncheon fare as much as I at the Disgruntled Toad in the Capitol Rotunda, and it would have changed your mind, too.”

Please follow and like us: