NFL’s Washington Red Skin Potatoes Mathematically Eliminated From Playoffs
September 7, 2014
Special Report from the Red Skin Potatoes, Playoff Ticket Department. (For immediate release)
Dear fans,
We regret to inform our loyal fans that following the Red Skin Potatoes unfortunate first game loss to the Houston Texas last Sunday has provided our Statistics Division with sufficient metrics to conclude our team’s mathematical elimination from the 2015 NFL playoffs.
Despite this disappointment we hope to field an interesting, dynamic and often amusing team for the remaining 15 games in the regular season. For example, we will offer giveaway nights every home and away game where you will receive team souvenirs of other teams throughout the NFC. For example,
- at our first home game tomorrow afternoon (1:00pm) against the Jacksonville Jaguars your gift will include a bobble head figure of recently suspended Jags WR Ace Sanders, and Washington headgear permanently sewed in a “rally cap” style;
- for our September 21 away game versus the Philadelphia Eagles (1:00 pm) each Red Skin Potato fan willing to self-identify at the gate gets a free of charge “SWAT” style helmet and protective gear emblazoned with the Eagles logo;
- when the New York Giants visit FEDEX Field on Thursday night, September 25 (8:25 pm) each Washington fan, young and old, will go home with a reversible official NFL jersey, displaying the New York Giants logo on one side and the Washington logo on the other, a $120 value, free! During the game you may switch sides should the Red Skin Potatoes take the lead, and then, later on, reverse it again to the Giants’ side on your way back to your car or bus after the games;
- on October 6, for our home date with the World Champion Seattle Seahawks (8:30 pm), a free Tailgating Lollapalooza will take place in FEDEX Field parking lots throughout the entire game for Red Skin Potato fans unwilling to watch the game. Sponsored by your Red Skin Potatoes the special “no police no rules” fun fest will include:
— free food &drink & free legal and medical assistance;
— free concerts by the Rolling Stones, Sir Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr; Lady Gaga; Madonna; and Jason Aldeen;
— cash bundles of $250 for you to find (and keep!) in 250 hidden locations; and
— a fireworks show including a small payload tactical nuclear weapon!
Given the team’s playoff elimination, team owner Mr. Daniel Synder, hopes to provide all fans at all 16 games with events that will both distract and excite. You’ll return home wondering “What football game?”
With that in mind, the team front office will contact you in early October with a full schedule of events for each and every day, thus fat planned to include Barnum & Bailey’s iconic circus; a Washington Nationals vs. Baltimore Orioles exhibition game; and a full evening of harness racing and NASCAR-sponsored stock car racing. More events to fill out the entire season, home and away, occupy thr entire Red Skin Potato staff.
We hope to make this football season memorable and to thereby retain your loyalty. As our president and general manager told the Red Skin Potato Fan Club the other day when announcing the substitute events:
“It’s never too early to say ‘Wait ’til next year.’.”
A cheering crowd of more than 600 loyal fans apparently agreed!
With Best Regards,
Paul Kelly
Director of Football Operations
P.S. For more information contact us anytime from this site!
