Secret Republican Video Disclosing Their Senate Fiscal Stimulus Strategy

Michael Matthew Bloomer, February 1, 2009

This evening, an incredibly disgruntled Republican staff assistant to South Carolina’s Senator Lindsey Graham provided this reporter an astonishing video disclosing the GOP’s strategy for the upcoming Senate battle over the fiscal stimulus legislation. Secretly this evening your reporter met the disenchanted staffer at the Disgruntled Toad restaurant in the now privatized Capitol Rotunda.

Expressing concern for his life should his lone role in leaking the video become known, the annoyingly secretive staffer nervously requested anonymity. Your journalist, however, indicated his preference for semi-partial nondisclosure in order to protect his journalistic reputation for honesty, and to remain at least arguably free from probable indictment. The staffer, Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s, agreed to my suggestion that carefully disguises his name with asterisks .

We began our interview and dinner at the always popular Disgruntled Toad with a few alcoholically powerful Senate Slings, served chilling cold for $7.95 each during happy hour, , open from 6:00 a.m. until eight hours after sine die. ¹  I would be remiss to not report the “Slings” provide an exceptionally tasty and affordable pre-dinner beverage for anyone who might be in the Capitol to receive provocative leaked information from an obviously frightened Senate staffer. ² A plate of gavel-shaped cheese sticks and double fried pork “Earmarks” added a memorable – and complimentary – appetizer to accompany your reporter’s meeting with Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s, who is presently weeping uncontrollably. After downing his fourth Senate Sling at the spacious and comfortable restaurant and piano bar, Mr. Jon*s struggled for words and for the physical coordination to lift his head out of his delightfully seasoned Caesar Salad ($12.95 a la carte, free with entrée). ³ His labored breathing stopped suddenly, and he passed out for nearly two minutes according to my notes.

However, one can’t remain unconscious for long at the Disgruntled Toad amidst the swiftness and courteousness of the service! Soon, our flaming pork chops entrées arrived, and I asked the wait staff to rouse Mr. Jon*s. I watched as the waiter and always helpful maître d’hôtel helped Mr. Jon*s back into his seat from under the handsome pine table where he had curled up into what this journalist would term a psychotic state of catatonia. Yet, the aroma of Disgruntled Toad’s flaming pork chops (a bargain at $22.95, particularly on Capitol Hill) revived him sufficiently well so that, with his belt carefully wrapped around his chest and attached to his overstuffed leather chair, he stabilized enough to barely speak. He tucked in and chewed a tasty smoking pork chop, which, due to his alcoholic stupor singed off his eyebrows and incinerated his toupee. ⁴

Given his bouts of whimpering “Mama! Mama! Mama!,” your usually reliable journalist had difficulty getting much detail about the circumstances that drove Mr. Fred*rick Jon*s to betray his party,  and his longtime benefactor and father-in-law, Senator Lindsey Graham. In addition, the Disgruntled Toad is widely known for its piano music and desserts, and, candidly, Mr. Jon*s’ cognitive ability had descended to grunts and yips (which I informed him were interfering with my enjoyment of the piano stylings of pianist Cal Smith). The deliciousness of my dessert, a huge melon-sized portion of Fill-You-Buster Fudge Gelato, kept this scribe from physically throttling the increasingly annoying Senate staffer. ⁵

Thankfully, when the final bill came and your writer was going through Mr. Jon*s’ wallet to retrieve his credit card, the always ebullient staff procured a gurney for the now recumbent staffer. As your reporter dutifully awaited a special services bus to transfer Mr. Jon*s to a bus stop nearest a hospital, I rifled through his top coat pockets until I found the video that had necessitated our highly secretive meeting at the delightfully affordable and wonderfully managed Disgruntled Toad in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda.

In any event, the video below reveals the strategy and tactics that the Republican National Committee suggests be employed in the upcoming fiscal stimulus battle. Or should this correspondent write “suggested” strategy and tactics? For now, due to the traitorous perfidy of an unknown, petty, and easily inebriated Senate staffer , the GOP will likely be forced to reevaluate their logistics. A TWSA!  investigation will, of course, quickly follow⁶ to learn the motives of Fred*rick Jon*s’, presently applying cool, well prepared Disgruntled Toad ice to a wound on his right eyebrow from having fallen off the gurney. ⁷

The GOP Fiscal Stimulus Legislative Strategy video is below. Your reporter wishes he could provide some possible or plausible explanation for this clearly desperate act of  disloyal Senate staffer, Fred*rick Jon*s. We do appreciate the scoop, however, and bear him no animus. In the end, the Disgruntled Toad provides an exceptional venue for anyone who would prefer to receive top-secret information in a Capitol Hill bistro atmosphere of elegance and reasonable pricing.⁸

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