Gingrich Collects 5% of Super Tuesday Votes In Massachusetts, Governor Patrick Declares State Of Emergency

“Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives, the Executive Council, Justices of the Supreme Judicial Court, guests, and my Commonwealth friends and neighbors:

Yesterday, March sixth two thousand and twelve, our Commonwealth was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a cold and determined insurgency calling itself the “Committees of Truculence.” Manipulated by a single individual now fomenting a similar insurgency in the great state of Georgia, this small but committed percentage of our citizens has formed a cabal of some 16,000 persons. Sadly, these Committees of Truculence are composed of our fellow citizens, they are Commonwealth residents, yet they intend to force us to adopt ideas and policies so repugnant and preposterous as to defy description.

I promise you, my beloved Commonwealth neighbors, this . . . will . . . NOT STAND! . . . [Standing ovation ensues] . . .

The insidious nature of the Committees of Truculence revealed itself quickly. In the normally peaceful town of Walpole, we have received reports that elementary school children as young as six have been forced into service in janitorial occupations. Moreover, as a result, dozens of summarily and illegally dismissed professional janitors now wander the Walpole streets aimlessly, seeking solace and refuge.

In Boston itself, scores of university students are reported missing from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Harvard College, and even the University of Massachusetts. One unconfirmed report indicates these collegians are now en route to well hidden astronaut training facilities in Georgia. There, we believe, they will be forced to engage in astrophysics of the most sickening kind. Then, our sources indicate, they will be involuntarily transported to the moon as “colonists,” far from Massachusetts and their homes.

Citizens in Foxboro, the home of our dear New England Patriots, are now being accosted by members of the Committees of Truculence and challenged to debates. These heinous insurgents then engage their victims in a debate using a species of “logic” that can only be labeled, at best, as experimental, and at worst, as clinically insane. As a result, our dear citizens who are victims of these so-called debates are stunned into deep shock that quickly advances to a level of catatonia that heretofore could only be accomplished through medically unacceptable doses of Haldol and vodka.

Residents of Dunstable, a small community founded in the seventeenth century, have been spirited from their homes and required to hear insurgents make ludicrous claims. For example, some assert they assisted Ronald Reagan in destroying the Soviet Union, others maintain they helped develop supply side economics, and some brag that they balanced their family budgets in the nineteen nineties. Some of these Dunstable citizens have attempted to flee to nearby Nashua, New Hampshire, but were turned back at the border by pudgy white haired men and women with large heads.

More assaults are reported each moment, even as we meet here in safety.

I now shall report what we have thus far done to combat this plague of truculence.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Massachusetts National Guard, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense from organized truculence. Municipal police forces, emergency responders, and fire departments have also been similarly directed.

By emergency decree, all mental health professionals within our borders who are not themselves members of Committees of Truculence have been directed to assist in relieving the mental conditions brought on by our citizens’ involuntary interactions with insurgents. These conditions include catatonia, mania, depression, anxiety, psychotic breaks, rending of their garments, public nudity by citizens who normally know better, and incoherent babbling.

Finally, I have asked the federal government to assist us when they have completed their bigger task in Georgia where a similar Gingrich-related insurgency rages.

With these actions we in positions of responsibility have thus begun to take the fight to the enemy.

Yet, hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

I promise you, my beloved Commonwealth citizens life will improve. We are bending our resources and our wills to that goal.

So, this morning I will close my talk with confidence in our National Guard, and with my belief in the the unbounding determination of our people. We will gain the inevitable triumph — so help us God.”

[Cheering erupts. A standing ovation as this wartime governor, His Excellency Governor Leval Patrick, leaves the room slowly, embracing all within reach.]