Bush’s Book Proposal: “My Big Book of Presidenting”
Michael Matthew Bloomer, March 19, 2009
The other day former (Thank God) President G. W. Bush told an appreciative Canadian audience that he plans to write a book about his eight year run. Huffington Post reported that “he said it will be fun to write and that “it’s going to be (about) the 12 toughest decisions I had to make. . . I’m going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there’s an authoritarian (sic) voice saying exactly what happened.” He also revealed that he wants “people to understand what it was like to sit in the Oval Office and have them come in and say we have captured Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, the alleged killer of a guy named Danny Pearl because he was simply Jewish, and we think we have information on further attacks on the United States,” Bush said, quite likely relating something that was actually said to Vice President Cheney, if it was said at all (after all, it is a mouthful). But Dubya was thee, so he’s an “authoritarian” source . . .
In any event, while luxuriating in The Disgruntled Toad, the Capitol Rotunda restaurant your scribe has humbly made famous, this reporter came into possession of an astounding document, Mr. Bush’s handwritten book proposal. Fearing retribution, the purveyor of this document prefers to remain anonymous, but your reporter can safely reveal that he was a senior official in the Bush White House and known by all to be an almost completely bald, pear-shaped, obnoxious chickenhawk with the first name “Karl.” While enjoying a typically inexpensive yet elegant twelve egg omelet, “Karl” carefully removed the Bush book proposal from his briefcase and pushed it across the table. He explained that by revealing Mr. Bush’s plans he hoped to “somehow benefit financially, if only via free meal at the fabulous Disgruntled Toad.” I explained that it was this journalist’s policy to not provide emoluments, but when “Karl” quickly grabbed the document back, your reporter explained further that exceptions could easily be made, especially considering the low prices charged by this remarkable dining venue. “Karl’s” twelve egg omelet, for example, with a pound of bacon and sausage, a loaf of toast, a plate of pancakes bigger than his oversized head, and a pitcher of O.J. came to only $12.95. The Disgruntled Toad is that good.
We parted amicably after an extended argument regarding whether your scribe would include dessert, which he did, but only after a spirited wrestling match. Now, after reading through Mr. Bush’s remarkable proposal, this reporter has a renewed appreciation for the role dumb luck and family connections plays in the affairs of human kind.
Here it is:
“TO: Crown Publishers
Dept. of Book Ideas from Former Leaders of the Free WorldFR: Former By God! President George W. Bush
RE: My book perposal
Here’s the book idea. Its gonna be a list book. Like the ones that sell like crazy in airports and bus stations. I’m thinking it will be about my Presidence. But none of that bedroom stuff. What Laura and I do or refuse to do or get stomach sick after doin is our business in bed. So don’t push me on this or I’ll be all over you like shock and awe. And then I’ll stay put in your office for six or ten years after that.
So the book is about me as President. I’m thinking of making it about the 12 most hardest decides I had to make. Like the time I had to pick my favorite tortures. Man, that was a hoot. I howled while Dick showed how they worked using a life-size Ted Kennedy doll. I liked the ones that involved odd positions the best but Dick talked me out of it. As usual. Anyways we came up with a few good ones and Rummy peed his pants at some of the things I thought of. But Dick talked me out of it again. As usual. But maybe since I’m being chased from place to place by war crimes process servers maybe we should just forget about the torture stuff. Wait we gotta remember its not torture its enhanced interrogation techniques! Turd Blossom thought that one up and we all howled out loud and that’s why we paid him so much too.
So anyways lets see about this one. I’m thinking about telling folks how my decide to bomb the crap out of Iraq. We confabbed it a lot even before 9/11. I remember THAT day. I was reading a really neat book to a bunch of grade school brats and I was concentratin on the plot when they told me about what happened. I thought they said “an airplane snatched the World Trade Center buildings” and I just thought “Hell. No airplane’s gonna lift them things. Quit kiddin me when I’m readin to the brats.” Anyways later on I found out what really happened. I thought “Hell, who do I really hate? ” I thought of a few people and some northern states but Dick said we couldn’t just bomb Massachusetts or call in air strikes on Jane Fonda. So we decided on Iraq. Hell. Saddam was available he was pretty mean and he had stuff we wanted like oil and sand. So that was pretty much it for me. I told Dick and Rummy to work it out so’s the folks would get behind us and they did a pretty fine job even though a few folks never did get on board. Like the French. Well let’s see. Remember they don’t take baths and they got crazy ideas about body hair. Well you know how it all worked out. We made some stuff up about WMDs and got folks scared to death and then we did our shock and awe thing and then we decided to stay in Iraq cause the weather was just so fine and we were there anyway. So why not stay? You know what it cost us to bring a tank home on a boat? Maybe though since I’m being followed by anti-war process servers maybe we oughta keep that Iraq business out of the book.
So I’m thinking we might try some writing about Katrina. I still think there’s a good chance we can pin that one on Michael Brown that damned Arabic horse guy. Who in hell put him in charge of FEMA? Now I’m just thinkin now maybe Katrina isn’t the best thing to write on. After all, all it really was just a big rain storm. Who the hell can write good about rain. So let’s think of something else.
Maybe I could tell about how Dick used to get me in a headlock and wrestle me to the ground over even the smallest things. It was really his “go to” move. I’d come in to work each morning and there he was, sitting at MY desk, and playing with my puzzle pieces. Messed em up good too – a whole days work gone! He’d do stuff like that all the time. They say he had a bad ticker, well that’s just bull. He let me feel his chest once and it was ice cold. He had to have a good ticker to survive in
THAT body. But, thinkin on it now I’m remembering that Dick still has a few nukular weapons and a hell of a lot of plain old guns. Maybe I oughta stay clear of writin on him too.
So, lets see. I do remember that I made about 12 decisions during my eight years. I’m just now a little hazy about which ones its safe to write on. How’s this? Laura had me decide on where to put the chairs in the family quarter. I put em all in one corner so she got all hissy mad and stuck them all over the place instead. Here and there. But I DID make that particular PRIOR decision. I also remember giving nicknames to everbody. I spent a lot of desk time on that. Y’all heard that I nicknamed Karl as the Turd Blossom. That one really hit the nail on the head! Dick was Nukular Grandpa. Rummy was Napalm Breath. Wolfowitz was Spank Weasel. Limbaugh was Turd Mountain. I got a million of em. You know what? I’m thinkin THAT’S the book. Can we call it “My Big Book of Presidenting”?
So, I’ll start writin and give you a call on Thursday if I’m not arrested in Canada.
Your Former By God! President George W. Bush.”
