After The Election: Where Are They Now? 3rd In A Series : Newt Gingrich
(Full story follows)
Former Presidential candidate, former Speaker of the House, and former self-styled Dean of Nutbag University, New Gingrich has been busy since the end of his candidacy five months ago. Gingrich, acknowledged by experts as the world’s leading practitioner of conspicuous humbug has appeared in public fairly often, but rather unsuccessfully. For example, in late October he told Greta Van Susteren on Fox News’s On the Record that President Obama was soon-to-be former President Obama: “I believe the minimum result will be 53-47 Romney, over 300 electoral votes . . .” A few days later on Halloween afternoon Mr. Gingrich led a rally in support of GOP senatorial candidate Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin.
Less than a week later Akin got pummelled by 15 points by incumbent Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill. Worse, his presidential race prediction was off by five or six million votes and dozens of electoral votes. No matter, he’s a genius.
These appearances on Van Susteren’s show and at the Akin rally were unusual occurrences, however. The former Speaker’s real purpose since bowing out of the 2012 presidential race was to successfully complete a rehab program at Atlanta Georgia’s reknowned Shameless Liars Clinic. Six months ago on May 3, 2012, Mr. Gingrich was involuntarily committed to the six month program by his erstwhile financial supporter, multi-billionaire Sheldon Adelson.
Built upon the successful methods of Alcoholics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous, the Shameless Liars Clinic tries to break the hypnotic hold that unhealthy behavior has upon its victims. Following the former Speaker’s commitment hearing last May,Mr. Adelson explained to reporters:
“Look, some lying, well, as you know, some, that’s O.K. Even a lot, that’s O.K. too. But you gotta keep track of your lies. Newt started to forget what he’d lied about even a day beforehand, sometimes, late in the campaign, even an hour beforehand. You can’t compete for President like that, especially with Romney in the field. So, our problem as Newt’s owners was he couldn’t remember how to lie as good as he used to. He couldn’t even figure out what new lies to tell. It caught up with him, particularly with meshuggah “fact checking” momzers. To our surprise, we found out that it actually hurt him among certain voting blocks who insist on a modicum of honesty. So, after Newt’s swan dive in the April primaries, I knew one thing: I’d blown a lot of money on him for his lying skills. Without that, he’s worthless.
So, to make a long story very short, Callista begged me to put him in rehab, but not so he forgets how to lie, or turns his back on claptrap and turns truthful. No. Hell no. He’d be no use at all if he did that. He’s never held a job other than professional liar. My purpose was to first, calm down Callista, who worried that without lying, Newt would have to get a poor paying job. Second, I’m thinking “Maybe I could then use him for some swindle someday,” but he needed to be re-trained so’s he could tell new lies with more, well, with more believability. So anywy, Ann Romney told me about the Shameless Liars Clinic. She and Mitt had done the three month program there in 2011. WIth that endorsement, well, that was that. Next day, Callista and I lured him to the clinic door with donuts. Now, today, six months later, we’ve got our loveable lying bastard back again!”
Even though Mr. Adelson’s money went to waste during to time he bankrolled Gingrich’s White House run, to all appearances Newt’s 10 weeks at the Shameless Liars Clinic on Adelson’s dime paid off. Sheldon is ecstatic:
“He’s that lying momzer we all love again! What lies he tells! He’s my friend. He’s in the running for 2016. And, God willing, I’ll be there for him . . . and, I’m not lying. . .”
