15th Century English King Richard The III Found In East Midlands Parking Lot In Grave Condition

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Michael Matthew Bloomer, February 7, 2013

Reporting from Leicester, England, February 7, 2013, Continuing coverage¹

Dazed, confused, and without internal organs or skin, the last Plantagenet king of England, thought killed in 1485’s Battle of Bosworth Field, was recently discovered in a Leicester parking lot that was once the site of Grey Friars Church. His Majesty, although considerably shaken up and in guarded condition, now rests in an apparently comfort at Towers Hospital West in Leicester. Although Towers West is presently undergoing conversion from hospital to lodgings (apartments, condominiums, and the like), it’s all hands on deck for King Richard III, a monarch much beloved by Steven King and Edgar Allan Poe enthusiasts everywhere.

The sovereign King, last seen ordering all within shouting distance to find him a steed,  is presently recuperating in the hospital/condominium’s only intensive care unit, which has only recently been converted into a one bedroom condominium unit. The former ICU, presently owned by Jeremy and Euclid Wooferton, note that they acquired the flat for a quite decent fee and even found a few dozen latex gloves in the pantry, as well as a year’s supply of needles. Jeremy, an insulin-dependent diabetic, was very pleased.

The couple was also quite pleased to oblige the Monarch’s physicians, and their solicitor and talent agent, John Franklin Tudor,released this statement:

Severely dehydrated

“We feel both duty and honour bound to assist His Majesty to a full recovery. As all British people have seen in news reports, His Majesty is severely dehydrated. In consequence, our Monarch now resides in our ‘intensive care facility’ on our dining room table with tubes of medication attached to many of His Majesty’s bones. So many of us believe that our royal sovereigns are indisposed to residing within so simple a lodging as ours, yet, I assure you King Richard has not presented even a smidgen of bother. I speak unanimously for myself and my wife when I say we look forward to greeting His Majesty on the day when he arises from our table, and resumes His duties as our precious King.”

Physician archaeologists are engaged round the clock. In her usual leadership position when a patient suffers from loss of skin, internal organs, eyes, and brain matter, Dr. Edith Von Cart explained the task ahead:

“Firstly, we need to rehydrate His Majesty. We believe that this will, in fact, bring about renewed organ growth. Once King Richard’s lungs revivify we know for a certainty that assistive breathing apparatus will be necessary to ensure recovery. We do not now have such equipment, but it is our assessment that many weeks must pass before our King will have reformed a full set of lungs. Thus we are certain that we have time to acquire appropriate medical equipage from another country.

Another problem His Majesty struggles with is known in medical science as Adult Onset Anencephaly or AOA. Put in layman’s words, our King is without a brain. Normally, for most monarchs this would create not the slightest noticeable difficulty, however, for King Richard, it does indeed. Our liege Lord requires at least a brain stem in order to carry on basic bodily functions, breathing, hearing, sitting through opera, and the like. With a brain stem, our King will be able to muddle through all other duties without any other brain tissues, and even should a cerebrum and cerebellum never re-develop, we believe, King Richard will still be able to dance, pet a dog, and make hooting noises.

So, please, let all in Britain know, the King is not in a departure lounge! King Richard is in intensive care, not eternal care. In the field of Physician Archaeology we have a saying: ‘As long as there are bones, there is hope.'”

This reporter is encouraged. Yes, bones! Yes, hope!  Perhaps, by Summer, this Winter of dismemberment shall be made gloriously stout.

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