We Reveal Mr. R. Rich, Jr. As Mysterious $400 ATM Billionaire.
The report yesterday from East Hampton about the discovery of a $400 ATM receipt would normally be reported only on the earth’s slowest news day ever. But when one considers the balance remaining was $99, 664, 731.94, well, that is front page worthy on any day. In a recession, it really ought to be embarrassing to the owner. So far, no one has come forth to claim the account. We here at TWSA! – hungry for publicity and unconcerned how we attain it – have come into possession of a copy of the Capital One ATM surveillance video, and have been able to identify the ATM tycoon . . . Please read more to see the raw and enhanced images that establish the rich man’s I.D. . .
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| Buddy, can you spare a dime? |
Indeed. Many of us mortals are fascinated by the “Hamptons,” Long Island’s summer retreat for those so wealthy they need a multi-month break from the sweaty acrobatics of moneymaking. The gap between our one-week long vacations to Myrtle Beach for cheap golf, booze, and debilitating sunburn makes it hard to relate to Long Island’s Billionaire Beach. But now we know that, just like us, tycoon beachies use the ATM too.
Since yesterday’s discovery of an ATM receipt in East Hampton recording a $400 savings withdrawal on June 18th, we’ve shared one of those moments when we see – and feel – “a life we can only dream of.” Most of us these days would have to call a family meeting to withdraw $400. For many, though, withdrawing 400 clams isn’t so involved. But afterwards, how many of them would have a nifty $99, 664, 731.94 left over?
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| It’s an especially nice lawn mower. |
Being hungry for any kind of notoriety at all, we here at TWSA! moved immediately to uncover – and embarrass – this Gatsby-esque pooh-bah. We enlisted a computer savvy neighbor of mine. Since he wanted his lawn mower back, he went to work as the Director and sole member of TWSA! Media Laboratories, Inc.
Our findings end the speculation that well-known billionaire-o hedge-fund manager David Tepper owns the cento-million dollar savings account. TWSA! lab results take him off the hook, and put a much bigger fish on it. . .
This Guy Makes Howard Hughes Look Outgoing. Our Media Lab first used extortion to get a raw copy of the East Hampton Capital One bank ATM surveillance tape for July 18th. Below left is a screen shot. Then, using cutting edge state-of-the-art capabilities such as brightness and contrast controls, we produced an enhanced version, below. Clicking on the enhanced version will reveal his identity and provide our evidence for this disclosure.
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| 06/18/2011: Raw footage from ATM surveillance camera |
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| Click this image for complete analysis and for the identity of the man depleting his savings by $400. |
Lost In Paradise. Richard $ Rich, Jr. was once a household name, at the top of the celebrity list. Known to us baby boomers as “Richie” Rich, his comic book, television, and movie empire was earned through hard work and family money. Born on October 22, 1943, the son of Richard, Sr. and Regina Rich, arrived to a family worth billions even in the 1940s.
Upon his parents’ deaths, Richie inherited a fortune now worth of $11.5 billion in 2010, according to Forbes. He owns 10,00,000 acres where is situated his lavish 1,009 room college-sized homestead, though he has not visited there since 1998. There, he threw outrageously expensive parties, and was a “heart of gold” philanthropist.
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| Veronica, right, Archie Andrews, background. |
Yet, following his 1998 smash hit movie, Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish, Mr. Rich disappeared from the public eye. Last seen with Veronica Lodge-Andrews following her divorce from Archie Andrews in 1997 (both of the Archie and Veronica media empire), it is believed Rich and Ms. Lodge-Andrews then moved to Long Island, New York and a life of seclusion. This they achieved admirably; no one has sighted them in 13 years. Even his biographers, Leslie Cabarga and Jerry Beck had to rely on speculation alone to fill out their 1997 biography (see Richie Rich: The Poor Little Rich Boy).
The fact that Mr. Rich and (presumably) Ms. Veronica Lodge-Andrews now live in East Hampton threatens to drive the reclusive couple to distraction. Although their address has not yet been discovered, it soon will be, perhaps by TWSA! since we are bribing many.
Then, if hounded by press, paparazzi, and sincere admirers, will Mr. Rich and Ms. Lodge-Andrews be pried loose of their seclusion, or move on once again to even quieter climes? Oh, and once there to avoid ATM’s forever more. And there is that $2.75 ATM fee . . .
