SCOOP! Seven Questions For Paul Ryan After Mitt Romney Bows Out And Endorses Him For GOP Presidential Candidacy
For immediate release. Reporting from Nauticus maritime museum, Norfolk, Virginia, August 11, 2012.
Just moments ago, Mitt Romney shocked dozens and pleased millions by dropping out of the presidential race when he bowed out in favor of Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan. This, in all likelihood, will end the discussion about who Governor Romney will choose as his running mate. That task now falls to Paul Ryan.
Appearing at Norfolk Virginia’s maritime museum Nauticus on the Elizabeth River, Romney handed over the reins to Mr. Ryan in front of the storied WWII Iowa-class battleship Wisconsin. Due to mistiming my guided tour of the Wisconsin,
your reporter arrived at the tail end of Romney’s earthshaking resignation as his party’s presumptive presidential candidate. I heard enough, however, to report to you his closing words:
Today is a good day for America. And there are better days ahead. Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States . . . Paul Ryan.
Upon hearing that I literally dashed away from the reporter’s pool to file this exclusive scoop with They Will Say ANYTHING!. Staying behind to hear Mr. Ryan’s acceptance speech was out of the question. Exclusive scoops move at lightning speed. There will be time for celebration tonight.
Presidential Candidate Ryan
I will, of course, write more about this political earthquake, but I can already see the questions that will be tossed like hand grenades at Paul Ryan. Here’s a few:
1. Will Ryan keep Romney’s campaign staff or seek competent assistance?
2. Are there any dogs, or other family pets, who may make accusations against Mr. Ryan?
3. Can Paul Ryan achieve a likability score higher than Mitt Romney’s which recently disclosed he was substantially less likable among numerous focus groups than a fictional composite of Josef Stalin, Vlad the Impaler, Gordon Gecko, Ayn Rand, and Newt Gingrich. (See more focus group results below)
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4. Who will Ryan pick for Vice President? Romney is an unlikely choice, since, God forbid, he might in the future replace a President Ryan should he be unable to perform his duties from a mental sanitarium? To this reporter, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor is a long shot as well. Lately, he exudes a strong odor of sulphur and leaves scorch marks wherever he stands still for more than 30 seconds, even on the Capitol’s marble floors. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, as well, has tested very badly among GOP focus groups:78% identified him as a turtle,
13% as a carnival exhibit,
7% as cartoon legend Foghorn Leghorn, and
2% as Congressman McConnell.5. Will other former GOP primary candidates object to Ryan’s snatching up Romney’s primary delegate treasure chest? Will Ryan, a dyed in wool Tea Party type, consider primary psychopathic candidates considered too unhinged to govern? People like Michele Bachmann, now institutionalized in a Minnesota sanitarium, or Newt Gingrich, presently encamped outside the entrance to the Pasadena Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena California clutching a head-sized Mars balloon? Rick Santorum? Or is his support for genocide as an immigration policy to extreme for Mr. Ryan or too soft? We’ll see.
6. What will Paul Ryan change about Mitt Romney’s previous policy positions? For example, will Ryan emulate Romney and adopt one, two, three, and more policy positions on each issue?
7. Will Ryan, another multimillionaire (but a piker compared to Romney) release his tax returns, particularly his 2008 return, the year he sold troubled bank stock and purchased Goldman Sachs stock immediately after a September 18, 2008 closed meeting with Bush’s Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, congressional leaders, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. The purpose of the meeting was to disclose the coming economic meltdown and petition Congress for bailout money (TARP), which Ryan subsequently voted for.
There’s much more to consider and many puzzles for the GOP to sort out before their National Convention coming up in a couple weeks. I can only imagine the glint in Newt’s eyes, or Ron Paul’s acceleration to military power when they read my exclusive scoop. Your reporter has had a good day.
More as this develops, and developments always do. Yes, they do.
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