Mitt Romney, Please Phone Home, E.T. Needs To Speak To You.

We all change our opinions and beliefs, but few of us adopt this as a lifestyle.  Mitt Romney does.  Either that or he’s both confused and confusing enough to reside in an upscale sanitarium.  Some have speculated that Mitt’s a Koch Bros. corporate mad scientist invention, a prototype tax averse political automaton (obviously with a few bugs that need working out).  However, in growing numbers, others – I among them – believe he’s an involuntary visitor from a place where no man has gone before, crash landing here, light years distant from his home.

Mitt (if that really is his name) often seems at sea, so to speak, unfamiliar with his surroundings, trying simply to get by. He’s stiff in posture, a bit clumsy, perhaps unaccustomed to an earthian gravity field. Often disoriented, he appears to be always desperately considering what he’ll do – and how he’ll pull it off – in the next five minutes. 

In visage, he resembles other well known visitors to our planet. Look at Mr. Romney and I’ll bet dollars to donuts, he’ll remind you of those alien folks that emerged from human-sized pea pods and terrorized a small California town back in 1951. Read your history. In the same 1951, if memory serves, a “thing” from another world  bedeviled our Air Force researchers in the Arctic. Reports of survivors indicate that Mitt’s sometimes clunky stride resembled this “thing.” Coincidence? All this evidence has been suppressed by the press. 1951 was a tough year. Who can forget “Klaatu’s” visit to D.C.? His pal Gort was ungainly, as is “Mitt.” Note the eerie resemblance of their names: “Gort” and “Mitt” both have a “t” as the terminal consonant. Another coincidence? Hmmmmm. “Klaatu barada nikto,” Mitt. Countless other visitors have lived among us since 1951. Of course,none advanced so far toward the presidency as Mitt Romney.

There has to be an explanation for a grown man named Mitt who cannot remember by dinner time a position he supported at lunch, and who often lurches around stumbling over potential voters. My friends and colleagues argue – unreasonably – that, firstly, Mitt Romney is not an alien at all, and, secondly, that I ought to have frontal lobe surgery, soon. Of course, it could be he is simply another of us, i.e. earthling -albeit a lying, craven, ambitious, unprincipled, conniving, thoughtless, shameless, and dangerous political hack of an earthling. Nonetheless, Mitt the alien suits me fine – albeit a lying, craven, ambitious, unprincipled, conniving, thoughtless, shameless, and dangerous political hack of an alien. . . . Let’s have a look at some of the verbal evidence that tends to prove my case. He’s a verbal stumbler, perhaps a true “illegal alien” . . .

Here’s a nice example from WhichMitt at Youtube.  There are a dozen vids there.
‘I’m not in favor of privatizing Social Security or making cuts.’	‘Social Security’s the easiest and that’s because you can give people a personal account.’
‘I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.’	‘I did not see it with my own eyes.’
“When I first heard of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ I thought it sounded very silly”	”Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has worked well.’
On bin Laden – ‘It’s not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person.’	‘He’s going to pay, and he will die.’
‘I supported the assault weapon ban.’	‘I don’t support any gun control legislation.’
‘I respect and will protect a woman’s right to choose.’	‘I never really called myself pro-choice.’
‘Based on the numbers of American Muslims… I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified.’ [Ed., According to the Census this criterion would eliminate members of 25 U.S. religions.]	‘A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith.’ [Ed., Presumably, this would include cabinet positions.]
‘Roe v. Wade has gone too far.’	‘I believe that since Roe v. Wade has been the law for 20 years we should sustain and support it.’
‘I like mandates. The mandates work.’	‘I think it’s unconstitutional on the 10th Amendment front.’
‘The TARP program… was nevertheless necessary to keep banks from collapsing in a cascade of failures.’	‘When government is… bailing out banks… we have every good reason to be alarmed.’
On the so-called “Romneycare” –  ‘If Massachusetts succeeds in implementing it, then that will be a model for the nation.’	Again on “Romneycare” – ‘What works in one state may not be the answer for another.’
‘I’m not trying to return to Reagan-Bush.’	‘Ronald Reagan is my hero.’
‘I’ve been a hunter pretty much all my life.’	‘Any description of my being a hunter is an overstatement of capability.’
In 2003, Romney launched the Massachusetts Green Energy Fund, saying the program offered “an opportunity to capitalize on two emerging trends: the growing level of investment interest in clean energy and the importance of Massachusetts’ academic and corporate R&D in forming clean energy technology companies,”	On President Obama’s green energy programs These programs “invite cronyism and outright corruption” and should be disbanded.
July 11, 2011 – [President Obama] “didn’t create the recession, but he made it worse, and longer.”	July 30, 2011 – When asked about his July 11th assertion – “I didn’t say things are worse.”
2009 – “I think there is a need for economic stimulus. Americans have lost about $11 trillion in net worth. And government can help make that up in a very difficult time.”	September 2011 – ‘I have never supported the President’s recovery act. No time, nowhere, no how have I ever supported the President’s stimulus.’
In 2008 – On “Romneycare,” Mitt bragged that it “helped get health insurance premiums down and got all of our citizens insured. If we can do that nationally, we not only help Michigan and the auto industry, but the entire nation.”	2011 – “One thing I’d never do is impose a state’s plan on the entire nation, that makes no sense. I’ll repeal Obamacare.”
2006 – Romney was against “rounding up 11 million people and forcing them at gunpoint from our country.”	2011 – “I disagree fundamentally that the 12 million people who come here illegally should be allowed to stay here permanently. I think that is a form of amnesty and that it’s not appropriate.”
Criticized crackpot Steve Forbes’ flat tax proposal.	August 2011 – ‘I love a flat tax!”

Well, Mitt – earthling or otherwise – certainly exudes confusion, precisely the level of discombobulation a visitor from another planet would display in the same situation. It’s not easy to  learn a new language on one’s own planet, much less easy on another planet altogether. I’m convinced, Romney is Area 51-worthy. Keep an eye on him . . . and the sky . . .

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