Long Missing English King Richard III Found Face Down In A Parking Lot, Not Expected To Live.
Official Windsor Castle portrait of King Richard III, circa 1484
Michael Matthew Bloomer, filing this story from Leicester, in ancient Worcester County, Massachusetts, February 5, 2013.
The missing King of England, the man called Richard III by his subjects, has been found in a Leicester Massachusetts parking lot, less than 100 miles west of Boston. Late last night, Vincent Addington, an itinerant toll booth operator from nearby Shrewsbury, found the English monarch literally laying face down in the parking lot of the township’s Dunkin Donuts. He described the encounter,
“Just walking home, around 4:00 am local time. It was mighty dark, and stormy, yes, quite stormy. I had purchased a powdered jelly donut, and was happily walking and eating, walking and eating, when a blast of powdered sugar went straight up my nose. I struggled. I reeled. I fell to the ground. As I was getting up, I grabbed a rock for purchase. Well, let me tell you, that was no rock! Turned out it was the skull bone of King Richard the third! I tried to resuscitate the poor fella, but had no luck at all. Anyways, out of respect I gently replaced the king’s skull where I’d found it.
So, late the next evening I thought maybe someone should check it out, so I called the local newsman, a nice fella, about 23 years old, and I said,
‘I got something you might be interested in looking into. Over the Dunkin Donut on Main Street, well, last night I got powdered sugar up my nose like always. I fell over like always, and you know what? I grabbed a rock for purchase, you know, and up I got off the ground. Well, that rock was King Richard the third of England’s head! He’s the one went missing some years ago. I put his head back there in the lot near the dumpster with the rest of his leftovers. Anyways, on a hunch, I thought maybe you’d wanna follow-up a bit.’
And, as you know, he did.”
Since then Leicester’s Dunkin Donuts’ parking lot’s been a busy place. Many wonder just how the King of England made his way to Leicester. So skeletal were his remains, there was no evidence to yield even a single clue. Leicester police chief, Cal Jessup, opined, “It’s a real stumper. A real stumper.” Some English will arrive in Leicester tomorrow who may be able to shed some light on this unrivaled mystery. We will continue to keep on this story until it concludes.
