Just In: Mars Rover “Curiosity” Sends Curious Pictures Of Melon-Headed Martian Pest

Tuesday, August 7, 2012, 3:00 am. reporting from NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California.

NASA scientists have just released per-haps the most astonishing photograph ever recorded in thousands of years of human history. The image below will excite some and frighten others as it brings into question our accepted wisdom that in our solar system we alone reign supreme.

From around the world, biologists, linguists, anthropologists, Catholic priests, and others are assem-bling at NASA to cooperate in an unprecedented manner to analyze an unprece-dented challenge to our world, an alien life form. The Mars of H.G. Wells, Ray Bradbury, and Edgar Rice Burroughs entertained and frightened, and now from the evidence sent earthward by our Mars rover Curiosity it appears that life may exist beyond our earthly borders. Fasten your seat belts.

Those NASA researchers who have examined the stream of photographs that have arrived thus far paint a picture of a Martian creature who clearly enjoys being in front of a camera, although no one can yet determine whether it under-stands what a camera is. A NASA spokes-woman informed us:

“The entity is incredible, absolutely. It stares into the camera and talks constantly, on and on. By the way, at this point it is only conjecture that we are looking at what we on earth identify as a ‘face’ and a ‘mouth.’ This soon into our investigation, for all we know we may be staring at the entity’s buttocks.”

Anthropologists, cryptologists, psychologists, and linguists were speedily brought in as advisers. These experts on our planet’s languages, ethnology, and speech bioevolution are thought to be the most effective at analyzing the Mars creature’s “mouth” movements and to determine whether its constant “talking” is indeed an attempt to communicate or merely to confuse NASA to its own advantage.

Marc Okrand, a linguist specializing in extra-terrestrial communications, has already made some progress towards resolving these issues, and has a distinct opinion on the creature’s motivations. “The entity we view in these photographs is indeed communicating, but its purposes are clearly self-motivated.”

The author of The Klingon Dictionary continued:

“We have sequentially combined the photo-graphs we have thus far received in order to create, in effect, a video of the entity’s mouth movements. In doing so, we have a continuous ‘movie’ of its facial expressions and mouthings.

Upon reviewing these videos with other linguists and cryptographers, and then upon the expert advice of our psychology team, we have reached a firm conclusion. The entity is an unmitigated liar. It is unarguably an unapologetic dissembler, an equivocator, a bullshit artist of the highest level. Few individuals in our earth’s long history have come within shouting distance of the entity’s facility with spinning stories so full of unadulterated balderdash.

Finally, our blathering entity is a self-glorifying wind bag whose outsized head appears devoid of what we on earth refer to as gray matter.”

Your reporter interjected a query: “Mr. Okrand, these are serious charges. Can you provide an example or two of the creature’s flapdoodle?”

“Certainly.” He dove in like an Olympic diver:

“For example, our disappointing Martian entity tried endlessly to convince us that Mars was triangular in shape, al-though we have solid proof that is is a sphere. It followed that bunkum by claiming that it had never asserted that Mars was triangular, and warned us that anyone who quoted it as having done so was a liar. Then, a few minutes later, it stunned us all by insisting that it, and I quote, ‘was the first Martian to realize that Mars was round.’ Frank-ly, none of us assembled here as communi-cations analysts had ever encoun-tered such audacious lying!”

Mr. Orklund was then handed a sheaf of paper. He looked up and informed us:

“This is the most recent transcript of the entity’s communications, just arrived a few moments ago. Our Martian entity now claims that the NASA rover, Curiosity, is trespassing on its property, The entity has not, by the way, yet provided any legal docu-mentation to back its likely spuriosu claim.

In any event, our unpleasant entity now threatens to have Curiosity hauled away by a local towing service unless we provide it an as yet unspeci-fied ‘annuity.’ We don’t even know what currency they use up there, what the exchange rate would be, and so on. And recall that everything the entity has told us thus far has undeniably been absolutely untrue.

So, you can see what we’re up against. Our first encounter with an arguably sentient singularity, something the human race has been envisioning for millennia, and it turns out to be a delusional self-loving bag of wind, whose only talent appears to be the dubious art of flapdoodle!”

An exhausted Marc Okrand then took his leave, but not before promising to update us a few times per day.

In light of these unsettling revelations about the yapping creature on Mars that stares into Curiosity‘s lens, this reporter can only wonder how the ever truthful E.T. would react to this. But, he, as we all know, has gone home.

I will keep you updated as events unfold. Until next we meet, watch the skies. Watch the skies!

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