Hitler Alive and Well in Pennsylvania, and Drinking from a Sippy Cup.

1/15/2009: Given the recent news about the Campbells, this is an update of my original post. In this post I have italicized those quotes by Mr. and Mrs. Campbell that I made up to drive the satire along a bit. The real quotes are in regular type, and actually, rereading them, are outrageous enough without my additions . . .

Last week, an Easton, Pennsylvania family was refused a birthday cake with their son’s name on it by a New Jersey supermarket. Heath Campbell, 35, and his wife, Deborah, 25, (pictured at left, with son) say they are upset at the decision made by their local ShopRite not to write Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler across the cake for their three-year-old boy, Adolf Hitler Campbell. ShopRite maintained that it would amount to “appeasement” should they have “caved in” to the Campbell’s demands, stating that last year “we produced a Happy Birthday Benito Mussolini cake and the very next day the entire Mussolini family had taken up residence in the store’s Fresh Produce section and was eying Fresh Meats. Never again,” said ShopRite manager, Harold MacMullen. “What next,” he asked, “Ivan the Terrible Bundt cakes, Vlad the Impaler Jelly donuts?” The local Walmart, however, later goose-stepped forward to satisfy the Campbell’s demands, who consequently canceled their plans to invade Poland.

Mr. Campbell explained he named his son after Adolf Hitler because “no one else in the world would have that name.” When reporters mentioned that no one else in the world had the name “Colon Cleanser,” or “Please Kick My Ass,” or “Sewage Waste,” Mr. Campbell, undaunted and unconvinced, struck back, “People need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what [Hitler] did,” although the proud Pops never once took his eyes off young Adolph who was busily and gleefully setting fire to the couch nearby, and supervising the spinning of the family cat by its tail from the overhead fan.

The Campbells also explained that, in the face of criticism, they named their child Adolf Hitler, but “there’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change.” An Obama Transition Team member was not available for comment, and stated “furthermore, we will never be available for comment on this particular issue.” Three year old Adolph responded to this news by chasing his sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and HonszLynn Hinler* Jeannie, into the neighbor’s swimming pool which he had earlier claimed was his own and always had been so.

Observing his son’s gleeful pillaging, Pops smiled at what he called “Adolph’s expansive personality,” and mused, “I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past.” Campbell, immediately invoking the past, however, explained that his ancestors are German. But when asked to explain their “whereabouts during the years 1939 to 1945,” he turned and ran. When later discovered in the family basement, he continued and spoke of his love of Hunterdon County, “and the adjacent counties, and, indeed, the counties adjacent to those as well, and so forth.” He sported a pair of black boots he said were worn by a German soldier during World War II, and offered to display his authentic National Socialist Party underpants, but the press politely – and very carefully – declined.

The Campbells, summing up, claimed they were not raised to avoid people of other races, but were told to not mix with them socially, romantically, or in any other way get within less than thirty miles of them. But they said they would try to raise their three children differently. “Say Adolph grows up and hangs out with black people. That’s fine, I don’t really care,” Pops said. “That’s his choice.” Mrs. Campbell is proud that one of Adolph’s young playmates, Idi Amin Matthews, for example, is African American, and Richard the Third Bifferton, is, she explained, a “product of pure English blood.” Mom Campbell went on, explaining the boys love of geography, “The boys often happily spend hours discussing invasion routes into Europe and the Caucasus.”

The Campbells hope that the furor dies down, and that young Adolph grows to maturity without emulating other Campbells who, they explained with obvious embarrassment, “became lawyers or politicians.” As for Adolph’s birthday party next year, they hope it will not involve holding Walmart families hostage.

* CORRECTIONS DIVISION: I misreported the name of HonszLynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell as HonszLynn Himmler Jeannie Campbell. I apologize for this oversight, particularly to the Campbell family who apparently are either history-challenged, spelling-challenged, or, my bet, both. Now that’s an apology!

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