Exclusive Report: Bayer To Introduce Birth Control Aspirin Line Named “NO! NO! NO!!!”
Bayer Aspirin knows an opportunity when it sees one. On Wednesday’s Andrea Mitchell Reports, the man known as “Santorum’s Billionaire,” Foster Freiss, provided his alternative to costly and immoral birth control:
“Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
Well, as we know, that comment caused a firestorm of controversy, and Mr. Santorum pretty quickly distanced himself from Mr. Freiss’s statement. Indeed, Mr. Freiss himself backed away from his own words:
“To all those who took my joke as modern day approach I deeply apologize and seek your forgiveness.”
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| Bayer’s promotional poster |
“Bayer is proud to announce a new product line to complement its already industry leading brands. This week Bayer will deliver to market a group of birth control aspirin choices, each coated with a quick acting glue that will keep your knees tightly together for periods when your sexual urges might cause you to lure males into sexual coitus.
Bayer’s No! No! No!!! product line will provide a number of items, and galfriend, here are some exciting choices! More soon!
Firsties!, a long lasting glue used by NASA with nearly the strength off cement to assure that you conclude your numerous first dates without unleashing your otherwise uncontrollable sexual urges on your confused male companion.
Goin’ Steady!, with its superior adherent properties permits you to engage your sexual propensities if and only if its internal INTEL processor and NASA sensor detects a wedding ring on your finger and determines that a wedding date has been set through a non-refundable wedding reception deposit.
Bayer’s We’re Married Now! birth control adhesive will last much longer than Firsties! or Goin’ Steady! We’re Married Now! permits you to demand sexual relations only one Wednesday per month, on Valentine’s Day, your and your marriage partner’s birthday, and on Miss America or Super Bowl night. (Most married test subject women, however, reported that, following the first honeymoon evening, they required sexual coitus on very few, if any, occasions thereafter.)
Bayer Aspirin’s NO! NO! NO!!! product line will be available in pharmacies throughout the United States next week. Call your favorite pharmacy to find out more!“
Santorum campaign Spokesbishop praised the development, saying that use of the NO! NO! NO!!! line will positively affect women’s physical fitness since many of the glues will keep women’s knees tightly closed for periods up to a week at a time. “Said the Spokesbishop, “Women need to hop more.”
