Bedtime For Gingo – Gingrich Loses Mojo And More As Entire Campaign Staff Quits

Lazy Is As Lazy Does.  Today, the “giant sucking sound” you may have heard came from Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staff resigning, and booking it outta town at supersonic speed.  The basic explanation among his very ex-staffers casts aspersions on an always aspersion-worthy Gingrich.  (Former) campaign staffers hint he’s a lazy, people averse slacker, who wants to speak to the American electorate from a self-styled Mount Gingrich rather than pressing the flesh and smooching adorable infants. Well, that’s just the first cut; according to his disappearing campaign inner circle, Gingo has lost something that defines him, that he cannot campaign without.  He’s lost his . . . . . . Please swallow the obvious bait, and click on “Read More” for the incredible details of Gingo’s collapsing campaign . . .

Gingrich and 2012 campaign staff in happier times.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Gingrich. News organizations have just reported that the entire Newt Gingrich  2012 presidential campaign staff has resigned, effective in the time it takes you to say “effective.” A top staffer, who declined to be identified for “safety’s sake,” revealed that “the staff was very concerned, initially about the timing of Newt and Callista’s seafaring vacation, and later on about whether Mr. Gingrich was committed to grassroots campaigning among people he has told us are manifestly inferior to him.” The senior staffer went on, stating that during the morning hours the group learned,

“from anonymous sources, after bashing their heads in, that Mr. Gingrich had again used his Tiffany’s charge card to purchase his and Callista’s shipboard accommodations and amenities, including eight hours per day of stomach massage, a round-the-clock jester, and a ship’s officer to lie to. This, as well as Mr. Gingrich’s shipboard decision to ‘rule the United States from Malta,’ gave us staffers some pause to reflect. Yet, we’d dealt with far worse just last week. We were unsure whether these new things were game changers”

Another sprightly young staffer close to Mr. Gingrich whenever Mrs. Gingrich is out of town, disclosed that since his recent award of an Honorary Degree from Miami Florida’s Cardinal Newman Catholic High School, he had lately insisted upon being referred to as “Perfesser Gingo,” even in official correspondence and campaign literature.  She concluded, “We could deal, let’s put it that way, and accepted these new peccadillos, thinking we could put a positive spin on things simply by lying.”

Sadly, campaign posters litter the floors.

A good memory is needed once we have lied. -Pierre Corneille.  So, given the staff’s unfailing willingness to cope with Perfesser Gingo’s escalating eccentricities, what tragic revelation could have put them on a figurative fast stagecoach out of town? One does mull. And the truth is as stunning as finding Elvis in a punch bowl. Gingo’s top staffer explained, “We met with the Speaker yesterday following his quick return from his vacation to give a speech in New Hampshire. When we were prepping him regarding his present – today’s – policy on Medicare reform,

it became clear that he could no longer remember even his most recent bold-faced lies, misdirections, prevarications, misstatements, fairy tales, whoppers, distortions, and misinformation. Utterly flabbergasted, we knew immediately that the 2012 Gingrich campaign was bin Laden dead. D-E-A-D.”

Consultations with neurological and psychiatric specialists provided scant hope. “When an individual loses memories in the most highly developed portion of his or her brain,” one neuropsychologist explained,

“it is unlikely that improvement will occur. In this case, Mr. Gingrich’s brain is quite literally a ‘neurodynamic lying machine.’ So overdeveloped and selfish is this brain region that it leaves little neurological ‘room’ for accomplishing even simple things like moving his tongue, or speaking even the simplest, most obvious truth. For example, Mr. Gingrich can get on the toilet, yet hours can pass before he remembers why, yet despite this he can convince even the brightest individuals that he was never on the toilet at all, but was instead delivering a speech to the Boys Club of New Jersey!  It is remarkable how this has been kept so ‘close to the vest’ during his long career. It’s like Kennedy’s bad back, or FDR’s wheelchair. Same thing, I guess.”

Bedtime For Gingo.  The repercussions for the 2012 Gingrich  campaign were supersonically obvious to the inner circle. The Director of Media Relations put it this way.

“We simply cannot sell a Newt Gingrich without his astounding flapdoodle. As of today, absent his ability to remember his fabrications, he can no longer leave interviewers and constituents stunned into speechlessness as if one had just encountered a large web-footed coconut preparing dinner in one’s garage. And without his skilled memory, many, as we do, will immediately realize that Mr. Gingrich is, and always has been, a certifiable wanker.

“Hey, come back guys! I forgive you.”

Simply put, Mr. Gingrich is an idiot savant of humbug. I can now reveal that without his consistent, insolent, and bold-face lies, Mr. Gingrich cannot utter a single syllable, much less give a stump speech. Without deceit he’s a wooden base for a potted plant. Listen, he’s spent hours on the toilet counting from one to four, over and over again. Try it, you’ll see.”

Yet another disappointed Gingrich campaigner recalled the final hours,

“We all met for an hour or so. We voted whether to resign or not resign. Next like the Vikings of old, we got stinking-puking-farting drunk and voted again. Both times, same result. So we’re hitting the road, Jack. Pronto.”

He continued, and with a stout heart, tried to put events into perspective,

“Yet, we recognize our debt to the Speaker, a huge debt that we decided to put on Master Card. We asked each other, “Where but within World War Two Germany, or the Soviet Union, or the Nixon and W. Bush administrations could we have the benefit of such a mentor in untruth, hypocrisy, and cynicism?”  Think about it. We owe a ‘thank you,’ and we wish Mr. Gingrich all success, although we really don’t know whether we’re lying or not. We’ve forgotten what truth feels like.”

Before checking out the subscribe button below, Here’s some other  TWSA! posts on Gingo:

March 25, 2011:  As You Know, Newt Gingrich Will Say ANYTHING!

May 26, 2009:  Gingriched: The Missing Rest of the Story about Pelosi and CIA Criticisms.

May 2, 2009:  Gingrich Loans RNC Some Unused Ego